[ Shouting Questions ] [ Woman ] Here he comes!
Mr. Claringtonl Mr. Claringtoni
What do you have to say about the steroid allegations?
I look fon/vard to my day in court.
Until then, I have no comment.
But what about the report that you look way too old...
to still be in high school?
- [ Clamoring ] - What is your problem?
A blood test administered by the Show Choir Governing Board...
tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs,
stripping Dalton Academy of their sectionals title...
and sending Lima's own McKinley High School Show Choir to regionals...
and a chance to repeat as national champions.
I can't believe it. This is what they think news is now?
- Andrea. - I can't take this anymore.
I cannot... take this... anymore!
I have had it! I've had enough!
I went to school for this?
[ Laughing, Sobbing ]
Well, it looks like someone's getting a younger, hotter co-anchor.
After the break, a Fort Wayne squirrel who's also... a doctor?
We'll be right back.
[Cheering ]
All right, people, we are back!
First of all, big props to Sam and Blaine...
for all their hard work to make this happen.
But... there's no time to celebrate.
We just lost three weeks of prep time for regionals,
and we still have to raise $400...
to pay for the bus to get to the competition in Indianapolis.
It's the Paris of Indiana.
I propose a bake sale.
I mean, it worked last time.
Well, that's because Puck spiked the cupcakes with Mary Jane.
I'd cut off my hair to sell it for extra cash.
To who? Jamaican kids with Rastafarian cancer?
Or as rigging on a haunted pirate ship?
I could sell more of my semen.
This is silly. I know exactly how we're gonna get the money-
The Men of McKinley calendar.
Let's face it. This is the cutest crop of Glee boys we've ever had.
That's great. And it's January, so it's the perfect time to sell them.
There are six guys, so each one can take two months.
I think Blaine should definitely be December.
You can do a Santa thing, but sexy. Sexy Claus.
[ As Matthew McConaughey ] I'm in as long as I can take my shirt off.
Wait, why does it have to be just the men?
Why can't we objectify the girls too?
Girls are the ones that buy stuff.
We're responsible for the consumer-driven economy.
Those Twilight books are poop on paper,
and we've turned them into a billion-dollar industry.
Team Jacob.
This could actually work.
Tina, you're in charge. You can set up the photo shoots.
Everybody else, pick your months and work on your concepts.
- [ Students Clapping ] - [ Girl ] Good job, Tina!
Hey, what are you doing after school today? Um-
-4'; [ Dance Pop ] - [ I/I/omanj ♪ Fondue For Tw0./ He y_/ _/~
♪ Fondue For Two That's some hot dish ♪
♪ Fondue For Two ♪♪
Welcome back to Fondue For Two.
You may know tonight's guest only as the girl...
with the fat mom who ruined Sectionals for everybody.
Please give it up for McKinley's very own Marley Rose.
[ Purring ] [ Brittany claps ]
So, Marley, is it true that you spent six hours...
- waiting in line to see The Hunger Games ? - I love those books.
So do you think that you relate to The Hunger Games...
because you yourself are hungry?
[Xylophone Flourish]
[ Cat Meows ]
When I was growing up, my mom said that I was a pet psychic.
That's cool.
So tell me what Lord Tubbington is thinking right now.
- Yeah. - [ Growls ]
Think he wants to lose some weight,
and he has an online gambling addiction.
[ Imitates Buzzer] Wrong.
If you would've told me that Lord Tubbington...
was secretly a slumlord, I would've believed you.
None of your high-rises are up to code.
Those families are living in squalor, and they deserve better.
Aaah! Oh! This is boiling hot!
- Let's talk about boys. - [ Gasps ]
Please admit to my viewing audience that you are in love with Jake.
[ Singsongy] Ithoughtso.
If Jake is brave enough to take off his clothes...
for Glee's Men of McKinley calendar,
don't you think you owe him the same courtesy?
You mean, take off my clothes?
No. I meant that you should be honest and vulnerable,
and tell him exactly how you feel.
[School Bell Rings] Sexy teen imbeciles.
The S.A.T. scores are in, and you have managed to receive...
the highest and lowest scores ever recorded at McKinley!
Yes! I knew it. Secret genius.
Brittany S. Pierce has received...
a near-perfect 2340 on her exam.
- Wait, what? How? - Clearly, she cheated!
No, I did not cheat. I swear.
All I did was, I filled in “A” for a while...
and then “C” for a little bit...
and then “D” and then I did “A” again.
Then I used the dots to draw a clown and then a penis.
Wait. [ Sighs ] What were my scores?
You got a 340, which in clinical trials...
is a score routinely bested by monkeys.
Sam, don't worry.
Okay, you don't need to go to college like the rest of us.
You have a really great body.
You could be a personal trainer.
You could be a greeter at Abercrombie.
You could be a greeter at Abercrombie's corporate headquarters.
Whatever you want to do. But meanwhile, my future looks bright.
I'm gonna graduate. I'll go to Harvard or “Princetown”...
or “MITT” or “Stanford and Son”...
or the “University of California at Charles Barkley's House,”
'cause evidently,
I'm one of the smartest people in America.
[ Footsteps Approaching ]
Your audition was great. I don't need to hear you read it again.
Look, this film is my senior thesis,
and I'd like you to be a part of it.
- Any questions? - Your script, Electra- It's so raw and personal.
I just was wondering, um-
Come Back to Me, Grandmother: A Journey into AIzheimer's-
Is that you and- and your grandmother?
The grandmother slipping into dementia is...
an allegory-
Of course. Yeah. obviously, of the end of the world.
You would be playing both me and,
in the black-and-white flashbacks,
my grandmother.
Okay -
If you're willing to go on this adventure with me.
L- I would be honored. I would.
Great. There is one thing.
You will have to be topless in the ballroom scene with Titus.
It's not going to be a problem, is it?
I'm a strong and confident woman.
I'm the one who asked Brody to move in.
I'm the one who almost made it out of Agent Provocateur without giggling.
And let's face it, my breasts are my prizewinners.
You almost made it out, but you didn't.
Let's face it. You're also the girl who makes Brody...
turn the lights off when you're cuddling.
You have a beautiful body, but are you really ready...
to expose yourself to the world?
That's what all great artists do. They expose themselves.
Expose their souls, not their flesh.
But it's all part of the same package.
A-Am I really expected to be able...
to bare my soul if I'm ashamed of the body that holds it?
I think a little shame is a good thing.
You're not a porn star,
even though your hair and your makeup...
makes you look like one. [ Gasps ] That's mean.
I'm sorry, but your hair has gotten a little out of hand.
Point taken.
I guess there's only one way to resolve this.
Sing about it. Thank God.
Hit it.
♪♪ [ Mid-tempo Pop]
♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪
♪ He was warm He came around ♪
♪ Like he was dignified ♪
♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪
♪ Well, you couldn't be the man I adored ♪
♪ You don't seem to know;
♪ Seem to care ♪
♪ What your heart is for;
♪ Oh, I don't know him anymore ♪
♪ There's nothing where he used to lie ♪
♪ The conversation has run dry;
♪ And that's what's going on ♪
♪ Nothing's fine I'm torn ♪
[Together] ♪ I'm all out of faith ♪
♪ This is how I feel ♪
♪ I'm cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor;
♪ Illusion never changed into something real ♪
♪ I'm wide awake, and I can see the perfect sky is torn ♪
♪ You're a little late ♪
♪ I'm already torn ♪
♪ So I guess the fortune-teller's right ♪
♪ I should have seen just what was there ♪
♪ And not some holy light;
♪ But you crawled beneath my veins and now;
♪ I don't care I have no luck;
♪ I don't miss it all that much ♪
♪ There's just so many things ♪
[ Together] ♪ That I can't touch I'm torn ♪
♪ I'm all out of faith ♪ ♪ I'm all out of faith ♪
♪ This is how I feel ♪
♪ How I feel ♪ ♪ I'm cold and I'm ashamed ♪
[ Together] ♪ Bound and broken on the floor;
♪ You're a little late ♪
♪ I'm already torn ♪
♪ I'm torn ♪
♪♪ [ Both Vocalizing ]
♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪
♪♪ [vocalizing Continues]
♪ I'm already torn ♪♪
Rachel, have you made up your mind yet?
I need to know right away so we can get you fitted for clown shoes...
for the “End of Times” dream sequence.
I'll do it.
[School Bell Rings]
Hey, Blaine. Will you please go to the mall with me after school?
I want to go clothes shopping. Sure.
- _/~_/~ [ Techno Pop ] - Oh, sweet merciful Lord.
[ Man ] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, Yeah ♪♪
[Girl ] Nice! [Girls Giggling ]
Sam.
What are you doing? It's January.
What do you mean? It's hot out there, you know?
Sun's out. It's like way above freezing.
Are you sure you're not overcompensating a little?
- Overcompensating for what? - Your S.A.T. scores.
We all heard that you tanked. But don't worry. There are retests.
You know what, dude? Like, if you choose to be jealous...
of my hard-core rockin' bod, that's on you.
For the record, Blaine has an awesome body...
and a perky and delicious behind...
that looks like it got baked to perfection by some sort of master chef.
Thanks, Tina.
Sam, I'm just looking out for you. I'm trying to be your friend.
Then put down the “Hatorade” and come to my seminar this afternoon.
Your seminar? Yeah. For the Men of McKinley calendar.
It's a one-hour course entitled “Modern Centerfold:
Techniques that Work for Today's Hot Young Posers.”
3:30. Locker room. No chicks.
♪ ./' [ Ends ]
Downward dog.
Into the half pigeon.
[Sam Groans]
Feel it in the buttocks right there.
And now back into the lotus position.
Relax. [ Exhales]
Why are we doing this again?
It's “bro-ga”- yoga for bros.
All about getting in the best possible shape for the calendar.
Well, not everyone in here looks like they're on the CW.
Some of us are more... PBS.
- Does the calendar really need to be shirtless? - 'Fraid so, dude.
But don't sweat it, 'cause in no time, we'll all be centerfold-ready,
thanks to White Chocolate's strip tips.
Rule number one, manscape, all right?
Nobody wants to see those rando nipple pubes,
or even worse, a back that looks like Chewbacca's ass.
No offense, Joe. Shave it off!
And who says you can't pack a little extra?
I like baby socks. Now, just make sure the sock is clean...
so you don't get any athlete's foot on yourjunk.
Now let's get this party started.
- Uh! - ♪ Want a little bit of ♪
- ♪ And a little bit of ♪ - ♪ Uh, uh;
-_l~ Just a little bit of ♪ -,1' Uh, uh;
♪ Just a little bit of ♪ ♪ Uh, uh;
♪ I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious ♪
♪ Flirtatious, trying to show patience ♪
♪ Just waiting for the right time to shoot my steez, you know;
♪ Looking for the right time to flash them G's ♪
♪ Then I'm leaving Please believing ♪
♪ Me and the rest of my heathens ♪
♪ Check it, got it locked at the top of the F0' Seasons ♪
♪ Penthouse, rooftop, birds I feeding ♪
♪ Years go by I'm lookin' through ♪
♪ A girly magazine ♪
♪ And there's my homeroom angel ♪
♪ On the pages in between ♪
- ♪ It's getting hot in here ♪ - ♪ So hot ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ Angel is the centerfold ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ - ♪ Angel is the centerfold ♪
♪ Oh ♪ ♪ It's getting hot in here ♪
- ♪ So hot ♪ - ♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ Angel is the centerfold ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ - ♪ Angel is the centerfold ♪
-_l~ Just a little bit of ♪ -,1' Uh, uh;
- ♪ With a little bit of ♪ - ♪ Uh, uh;
♪ And then they just fall ♪
♪ Why you at the bar if you ain't popping the box? ♪
♪ What good is all the fame if you ain't bumping the models? ♪
'.L' I See you driving ♪ -.1' Sports cars ♪
♪ Ain't hittin' the throttle I'll be down to do a hundred ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby, I can't talk it ♪
♪ Warm and fuzzy sweaters ♪
♪ Too magical to touch ♪
♪ To see her in that negligee is really just too much ♪
♪ It's getting hot in here ♪
♪ So hot,» ♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
J HGYJ ♪ Angel is the centerfold ♪
♪ Hey. hey. hey. hey» ♪ Angel is the centerfold ♪
- ♪ Stop- It's a little bit of; - ♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ And a sprinkle of that ♪ ♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ Nelly just fall out ♪
-3 I like it when you ♪ C♪ Uh, uh;
♪ Girl, baby, make it; ♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ Let it hang all out;
♪ It's getting hot in here ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
-; I am getting so hot; -3 Na, na, na-na, na-na;
♪ I wanna take my clothes off; ♪ Na, na, na-na-na, na-na;
-_l~ It's getting hot in here ♪ - ,/' 80 hot,»
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
-; I am getting so hot; - _/~ Na, na, na -na, na -na ♪
- ♪ I wanna take my clothes off; -3 Na, na, na-na-na, na-na;
♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ It's getting hot in here ♪♪
[Applause And Cheering ]
[ Artie ] Yes! [ Boy ] what?
You guys- You guys, that was amazing.
We are going to make so much money. Yeah! [ Students Cheering ]
[ School Bell Rings ] [ Girl ] Yeah. That was really good.
Okay. [ Sighs ]
- Here goes. - Well, well, well.
If it isn't the underage, smut-peddling, non-teacher Finn Hudson.
Not satisfied with making a mockery of the American education system...
by your mere presence at this school,
you have besmirched the dignity of such everyday heroes...
as this woman with Crohn's disease-
whose name I do not know-
by bringing the dark specter of pornography to these hallowed halls.
Well, Crohnsey and I are here to tell you, this will not stand.
Sue Sylvester, you can suck a hot one,
because you are a hypocrite.
I beg your pardon?
I seem to recall a rumor about a certain cheerleading coach at this school...
who once took horse estrogen...
and posed for Penthouse back in the day.
So maybe I can just track that down,
make a few copies and sell those to raise money for regionals.
That's nothing but a rumor.
But if that rumor were true, my Penthouse centerfold,
so groundbreaking that it completely redefined the term “hirsute”...
and gave birth unto these United States a pose so limber,
they named it “The Regal American Not-So-Bald Spread Eagle,”
I promise you, my friend, you would never find it.
Well, I guess we'll see about that.
[ Chuckles ]
[School Bell Rings]
[ Exhales, Sniffs]
Good morning.
He)'-
What? Your boyfriend's bare ass...
is on one of my vintage flea market chairs.
Hey, I'm not ashamed of my body, and I wanted to show Rachel...
that I support her choice completely.
Thank you. I was cast in a student art film,
and I'm gonna be doing a topless scene in it.
- No, you're not. - Rachel looks smokin'.
Rachel is a serious actress, Brody. She doesn't do nudity.
Look, as performers, that's a question...
that we're all gonna have to face.
If you want to win an Oscar,
you have to show your boobs.
Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates-
I don't get it.
A year ago, you were all plaid skirts and “Do you think Finn likes me?”
And now you're Slutty Barbie,
asking Misogynist Ken to move in with you, doing pornos.
- What's happening to you? - I'm growing up, Kurt. Maybe you should try it too.
And it's not a porno. It's a good movie.
I'm gonna do it- with or without yoursuppofl.
[ Door Slides Open ]
[School Bell Rings]
When I get a text saying, “Emergency. Meet me in the auditorium,”
I assume that you're on fire, or being attacked by a pack of monkeys.
I was, but the monkeys had squirt guns, and they put the fire out.
Thatsoundedfunnmw in my head. [Laughs]
Uh, seriously, I- I wanted...
to start working on some song ideas I had for regionals.
I kind of have some redeeming to do.
No, you don't. Everyone is cool with you now.
No, they aren't. Okay, they're not.
But don't put too much pressure on yourself.
That's how things got messed up last time.
I think I have the perfect song for us to sing.
I like this tune. It's super romantic.
Is it?
♪♪ [ Rock Ballad ]
♪ The day we met;
♪ Frozen, I held my breath ♪
♪ Right from the start ♪
♪ I knew that I'd found the home for my heart ♪
♪ To fall ♪
♪ But watching you stand alone ♪
♪ All of my doubt;
♪ Suddenly goes away somehow ♪
[Together] ♪ One step closer;
♪ I have died every day waiting for you ♪
♪ Darling, don't be afraid ♪
♪ I have loved you ♪
♪ For a thousand years ♪
♪ I'll love you for a thousand more ♪
♪ Time stands still ♪
♪ Beauty in all she is ♪
[ Together] .1' Every breath ♪
♪ Every hour has come to this ♪
♪ One step closer;
♪ I have died every day waiting for you ♪
♪ Darling, don't be afraid ♪
♪ I have loved you ♪
♪ For a thousand years ♪
♪ I'll love you for a thousand more ♪
♪ And all along I believed I would find you ♪
♪ Time has brought your heart to me ♪
♪ I have loved you for a thousand years ♪
♪ I'll love you for a thousand more ♪
♪ I will love you ♪
♪ A thousand years ♪
♪ Mm-mmm, mmm ♪♪
What?
There's something you want to tell me. I can tell.
L\
I love...
the song.
I love this song, but it's not right for regionals.
[School Bell Rings]
What's goin' on?
Sue Sylvester's coming down super hard on the calendar.
She's saying it's pornography.
Wait. Isn't she the one that posed for Playboy?
Pen!/70¢/se- And I need you to track it down.
Hold up.
You want me to spend the next few days...
carefully paging through decades and decades of vintage pornography?
- You've come to the right place. - Thank you, and the Men of McKinley thank you.
Finn, about that.
I'm not sure I want to pose for the calendar.
My body is sort of... broken,
and I'm not really eager to start showing it off.
Okay. Well, uh,
we'll get you in some sweats and a kick-ass muscle shirt.
Look, I really want to help out, but I just think a photo of me...
is gonna end up being a photo of my chair. Then forget the chair.
You can lay on a bed or something...
and pose with, like, a bunch of sexy pillows.
Finn, you're not hearing me.
I don't want to pose for the calendar.
And that whole pillow scenario you just described sounds deeply emasculating.
It's not just girls who have body issues.
Sometimes guys aren't cool with showing off their bodies either.
Then don't.
L-I don't want to make you do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.
Thanks for telling me.
And you know what?
That was really brave of you, saying no just then.
And I think it's totally cool...
that there's a part of yourself you want to keep private.
[School Bell Rings]
I'm thinking about naming my shoulders.
You know, like The Situation has his abs?
That could be my signature thing.
One could be Smith and the other could be Wesson.
You name arms after guns, not shoulders.
- Shoulders are part of your arms. - No, they're part of your shoulders.
And don't pick a signature when you know...
that my John Hancocks are clearly better than yours.
- No, they're not. - Do I need to humiliate you right now?
Bring it.
- _/'_/' [ Techno Pop Intro ] - A'ig ht.
-,/~ Oh, yeah,» - [ Exhales ]
- They're on fire. - J 0/7, /93/7JJ
I am a statue.
There's our money-makers.
This is the boys' locker room. You can't be in here.
We couldn't help ourselves. Your chick magnets drew us in.
I wanted to talk to you about the concepts for your pictures.
Ryder, you're February and July. I was thinking heart boxers and a sexy Uncle Sam thing.
You're going to be June and October. June is a beach theme.
And for October, you're just gonna be holding a “Jake-o'-lantern”...
over your naughty bits.
We're gonna go find Artie and tell him about his March sexy leprechaun.
I thought Kitty was gonna jump you right in here.
Mmm? Dude, you want to know the weirdest thing?
If a girl in the next room is into me, I can feel it.
[ Chuckles ] But since I've been seeing Marley,
it's like there's not another girl on the planet.
Wow. That is hard-core.
I'm sorry. I try not to talk about her with you.
It stings sometimes, but this is serious.
All right? You're really into her.
Then the other day we were singing this, like, romantic song together,
and then, right at the end, I thought that she was gonna say it to me.
Say what?
Oh! Oh.
It.
[ Stammers ] What would you have done?
I would have said it back.
I mean, that's the way I feel.
Then you have to tell her first. N- I can't do that.
That's... terrifying.
Chicks dig hot guys who are willing to get naked for a calendar,
but what they're really looking for...
is a guy who will get naked emotionally.
♪♪ [ Piano: Ballad Intro ]
♪ Much as you blame yourself ♪
♪ You can't be blamed ♪
♪ For the way that you feel ♪
♪ Had no example ♪
♪ Of a love that was ♪
♪ Even remotely real ♪
♪ How can you understand ♪
♪ Something that you never had? ♪
♪ If you let me ♪
♪ I can help you out;
♪ With all of that;
♪ Let me love you ♪
♪ And I will love you ♪
♪ Until you learn ♪
♪ To love yourself ♪
♪ Let me love you ♪
♪ A heart of numbness ♪
♪ Gets brought to life ♪
♪ I'll take you there ♪
♪ I can see the pain ♪
♪ Behind your eyes ♪
♪ It's been there for quite a while ♪
♪ I just want to be the one ♪
♪ To remind you ♪
♪ What it is to smile ♪
♪ I would like to show you ♪
♪ What true love can really do ♪
♪ Let me love you ♪
♪ And I will love you ♪
♪ Until you learn ♪
♪ To love yourself ♪
♪ Let me love you ♪
♪ I know your trouble ♪
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
♪ Oh, I can help;
♪ Let me love you ♪
♪ A heart of numbness ♪
♪ Is brought to life ♪
♪ I'll take you there ♪
♪ Let me love you ♪
♪ I know your trouble ♪
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
♪ Oh, I can help ♪♪
[ Sighs ]
Whoo!
[ Finn ] That was awesome, man.
Absolutely a contender for regionals.
- Who was that song for? - Uh, that was for Marley.
Is there anything else you wanted to say to her?
Uh, I think the song pretty much said it.
[Applause ]
Kurt, the hipster from downstairs with the curlicue mustache...
wants to borrow your Russian hat.
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
Lady Hummel called, begging us to do an emergency intervention.
- On who? - You.
You guys came all the way to New York...
just to talk to me because Kurt called you?
We're also here to shop.
[ Quinn ] And we're here to apologize to Quinn...
for slapping her across the face very, very hard.
In theory. We'll just see if that happens.
Rachel, you cannot do a nude scene.
It's not a nude scene. It's just a topless scene. Same thing.
Topless is as nude as anyone is ever gonna want to see you.
Let's say you do it. Think about the two-two-two rule.
In two weeks, how are you gonna feel about the nude scene?
You'll probably feel pretty great. Yeah.
You'll get to feel a nice, cool breeze on them skeeter bites.
- You'll feel refreshed even. - Then, how are you gonna feel about it two months from now?
I don't know. Nervous? Worried it may not even be good?
Rachel, it's a student film. It's not gonna be good.
And two years from now? How are you gonna feel aboutflthen?
Guilty. Just... hoping my kids won't ever see it online.
Oh, they'll see it. Mm-hmm.
And they will never be the same.
Okay, wait. Why am- Why am I even taking advice from you, okay?
- Didn't you have a sex tape that leaked online? - Yes, I did.
A sex tape that follows me around to this very day.
Look my name up on the Internet right now.
“Santana Lopez, nude, lez, boobies, sex tape,
Mexican or Dominican,” question mark.
Booyah. That will exist forever.
But, Santana, some women find it empowering to be naked on film.
Yes, but not in a student film...
that is probably about someone's grandma with Alzheimer's.
Look. We care about you.
And for once, Rachel, we actually have your best interests in mind.
Please don't do it.
♪♪ [ Techno Pop]
[ Shutter Clicking ]
[ Tina ] Good.
Give me sexy liberty.
Give me sexy freedom.
Give me "I want you” sexy.
All right! August is up next.
Artie, are you sure you don't want to pose?
No, I'm happy posing with this bounce-board over here.
Hey, why don't we do August with a few of the guys?
Blaine, why don't you jump in with Sam?
- You're looking particularly cute today. - I'll do it too.
No offense, Joe, but I don't really think you want to be in a shot next to me.
My washboards are gonna make you look like...
- a bloated white Bob Marley. - I'm as God made me, dude.
The reality is, we probably should have just done a Sam Evans calendar.
Yes, and every month we could see you dressed as a different brand ofjerkwad.
Guys, we waited too long. I lost my pump.
- I need five minutes. - What?
Just go. You got this. You got this.
You're kind of out of control. Yeah, well, haters gonna hate.
Will you please stop lifting?
This isn't who you are, Sam.
You're not just some body-obsessed muscle head. You don't know what it's like.
You can sing and dance, and you kick butt in school...
and you're all charming and everything.
I have to announce my presence with authority the second I walk into a room.
People have to notice me, or else they never will.
People laugh at my impressions because how I look already has them on board.
Do you really believe that? It's just a fact.
If you want to make it in this world, you have to be special.
And you are special.
Even without your body.
No, I'm not, man. lt's- It's all I have.
I'm exhausted.
Watching what I eat all the time, my two-a-day workouts-
Let it go. Have a burger every now and then.
Eat a bag of Cheetos.
Skip your workouts. Sleep in a little.
Your body isn't gonna change.
And even if you have seven percent body fat,
you're gonna see that all of us are still gonna love you.
And we're gonna laugh at your impressions.
[School Bell Rings] ♪♪ [Whistling ]
And what, may I ask, is this?
Turns out it wasn't too hard to track down, after all.
Well.
I'm impressed. I'm not gonna lie.
I thought I'd purchased every last issue from eBay.
I'm not ashamed of this centerfold.
In fact,
I feel like taking a gander at that glorious taco right now.
You idiot.
You had me skewered.
Why on earth would you let me open that?
Because now...
I have your confession ontape.
I'm not ashamed of this centerfold.
- /n fa ct, I feel //ke faking a gander az' ('ha 2'- - Checkmate.
glorious taco right now.
[ Exhales]
[School Bell Rings]
Did you want to see me? What are you doing here?
Blaine asked me to look into something for you.
Come on in and have a seat.
This is a very small sampling of colleges...
that don't require S.A.T. or A.C.T. scores.
And they're really good schools, Sam.
They're schools that recognize that a test score...
- isn't always the best measure of your intelligence. - Or creativity.
You can always take the S.A.T.'s again if you want. A lot of kids do that.
Yeah, well, let's say I somehow get into college somewhere. I still can't afford it.
Yes, you can, because even in this economy,
there are hundreds of scholarships out there.
What you need for these is a personal essay...
about yourself and your accomplishments.
Like what? Like my abs and my fish lips?
Like the Glee Club. Like student council.
- Swimming- - Synchronized swimming.
You've accomplished a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for.
But why don't you take that home and, um, just think about it?
♪♪ [ Piano]
[ Bird Squawking]
[ Electra] You are lost.
Is this real? You've been here before, but... nothing looks familiar.
And that smell- You recognize that smell.
And now, you see him-
Titus.
You want him.
And deep breath.
Drop the robe.
Rachel, drop the robe.
Cut. I'm sorry, can we- Can we just cut?
Only I'm allowed to say cut. Cut.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a diva or anything,
but, um, there's just- there are so many people here right now.
Do you think we can- They're here for you.
My D.P. literally sculpts with light.
Now, he can't do that without his crew.
He's promised me this would be sweeping.
Would you like me to tell him that you don't want it to be sweeping?
I need all the crew to- to take off their clothes.
Yeah, it'll help. It'll, um, you know, just... distract...
and-and-and take the attention off of me.
- Seriously? - Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.
Everybody, take your shirts off.
[ Man Whistles ]
♪♪ [ Techno Pop]
Okay, back to one.
Roll sound.
- [ Man ] Scene 10, take two. - And action.
Okay, you're lost.
Are you awake? Is this a dream?
Perhaps a life lived long ago,
and now you see him-
Titus.
You're filled with a carnal hunger.
You need to be naked now.
And drop the robe.
Rachel, drop the robe!
- I'm sorry. Cut. - Stop saying cut.
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
I respect you, and I respect your movie,
but I just.
I'm not ready. Then you should have told me that when I asked you.
I was telling you the truth when I said yes, and I'm telling you the truth now.
I think it's okay for actresses to be naked,
and-and maybe someday I'll be ready, but...
I just realized that...
I'm not ready to be naked now.
Well, then what you can do now...
is get the hell off my grandmother's dreamscape.
- G; [ Piano: Mid-tempo Intro ] - Take five, everyone.
Looks like / will have to play Grandma.
♪ Head underwater;
♪ And they tell me ♪
♪ To breathe easy for a while ♪
♪ Breathing gets harder;
♪ Even I know that;
♪ I made room for me ♪
♪ It's too soon to see ♪
♪ If I'm happy in your hands ♪
♪ I'm unusually;
♪ Hard to hold on to ♪
♪ Convinced me to please you ♪
♪ Made me think that I need this too ♪
♪ I'm trying to let you ♪
♪ Hear me as I am;
♪ I'm not gonna write you a love song ♪
♪ 'Cause you asked for it ♪
♪ 'Cause you need one, you see ♪
♪ I'm not gonna write you a love song ♪
♪ 'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this ♪
♪ If you're on your way ♪
♪ I'm not gonna write you to stay ♪
♪ If all you have is leaving ♪
♪ I'm-a need a better reason to write you ♪
♪ A love song today;
♪ Promise me ♪
♪ That you'll leave the light on ♪
♪ 'Cause I believe ♪
♪ There's a way you can love me ♪
♪ Because I say ♪
♪ I won't write you a love song ♪
♪ 'Cause you asked for it ♪
♪ 'Cause you need one ♪
♪ You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song ♪
♪ 'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this ♪
♪ Is that why you wanted a love song? ♪
- 3 A love song 3 - 3 'Cause you tell me it's 3
♪ Make or break in this ♪
♪ If you're on your way ♪
♪ I'm not gonna write you ♪ ♪ Write you to stay ♪
♪ If your heart is nowhere in it;
♪ I don't want it for a minute, babe ♪
- 3 I'll walk the seven seas 3 - 3 Walk the seven seas 3
- ♪ When I believe that there's a reason to write you ♪ - ♪ Write you ♪
♪ A love song today;
♪ Tod3Y ♪
♪ Hey, t0daY ♪
♪ I won't write you a love song ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Tod3Y ♪
♪ I won't write you a love song ♪
♪ Today :4'
[ Rachel Squeals] Yay.
Thank you guys so much.
It's like my dads say- you can't make new old friends.
- No regrets? - None. But do you have to go? Can you stay a little longer?
- 'Cause I would love to buy you dinner. - I'm in.
- Sure. - Good, okay.
I'm in no rush to get back to Kentucky.
I think I could get used to it here in New York. It's more my speed.
[School Bell Rings]
'Youready to write that essay? No, I'm not.
Well, I've been doing a little research,
um, with some folks that know you really well,
and they all seem to think...
that you've actually accomplished quite a bit.
[ Tina ] Sam saved sectionals last year...
when we were short a member and he moved back to McKinley.
[ Artie ] He rescued our nationals trophy.
[ Tina ] And then he saved sectionals again this year...
when he found out the Warblers cheated.
Trouty Mouth inspired me to try my hand at songwriting.
Sam was the first person in America...
to do a Sean Connery impression.
♪ Grouper Mouth ♪
His impression was what made Sean Connery's career really take off.?
[ Santana ] ♪ Froggy Lips ♪
[ Mercedes ] Sam gave me the courage to follow my dreams...
and become a singer.
And without him I probably would have never moved to L.A.
And let's not forget when Sam took care of his entire family...
after his dad lost his job.
They were living in a motel, homeless,
and Sam supported them.
I mean, that's pretty amazing.
He's a really substantial person.
Now, that's... your essay.
[ Sighs, Sniffles ]
[Voice Breaking ] Thanks. Thanks, bro.
Don't mention it.
[School Bell Rings] Hey, Artie.
Oh, I'm sorry, Do I need to take my shirt off while addressing you?
Listen, the bottom line is that we have two empty months in this calendar.
We want you to fill them. And I-I totally understand wanting to keep your shirt on.
You want to be known for more than just your massive biceps.
Look, it's hard enough being the only one in a chair posing for this calendar.
I don't really want to be the only one wearing clothes either.
You won't be.
[ School Bell Rings ]
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
[ Girl ] Watch out!
[ Girl #2 ] Hey, oh.
[ Chuckling ]
You have such broad shoulders.
If you ever want to tap this, seriously, just say the word.
Thank you.
[ Sighs ] So, how much smut money did you raise?
About 350 bucks.
Another 50 and we've covered the bus to regionals.
Well, you're a worthy adversary, Finn Hudson,
and that'll make you all the more delicious...
when I've got you slowly roasting on a spit.
But, like, literally delicious.
Hey, you don't have to wait in line.
I actually already made one out for you. Thank you.
I love you back.
Ugh! Gross!
Get a room!
Please make it out to “My future wife, Becky Jackson.”
I wish you'd lose the shirt...
so I can drool over that hot bod.
Well, listen, I think you both are hot, topless or not.
And do you know how I know? 'Cause I'm a genius.
You know what? I'm really excited about this new year.
- [ Gasps ] - Me too. It's a new year and a new me.
' J'./' I UP-fempo Pop ] - ♪♪ [vocalizing ]
♪ Another year you made a promise ♪
♪ Another chance to turn it all around ♪
♪ And do not save this for tomorrow ♪
♪ Embrace the past, and you can live for now ♪
♪ And I will give the world to you ♪
♪♪ [vocalizing ]
♪ Speak louder than the words before you ♪
♪ And give them meaning no one else has found ♪
♪ The role we play is so important ♪
♪ We are the voices of the underground ♪
'J'Andl;
♪ Will give the world to you ♪
♪ Say everything you've always wanted ♪
♪ Be not afraid of who you really are ♪
♪ 'Cause in the end we have each other;
♪ And that's at least one thing worth living for;
♪ AndlJ~ N;
♪ Would give the world to you ♪
- [ Inaudible] - ♪ I pass ♪
♪ It back to you ♪
♪ AndlJ~
♪ Will wait for you ♪
♪ 'Cause I would give the world ♪
♪ And I would give the world ♪
♪ To YOU ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
-_l~ I would give; -.I' Oh.l'
♪ The world to you ♪
.RTo.r
- ♪ This is the new year; - ♪ This is the new year;
♪ A new beginning .1'
- ♪ You made a promise ♪ - ♪ You made a promise ♪
♪ You are the brightest;
- ♪ We are the voices ♪ - ♪ We are ♪
- ♪ Oh-ho ♪ - ♪ This is the new year;
♪ We are the voices ♪
- ♪ This is the new year; - ♪♪ [vocalizing ]
♪ A new beginning .1'
♪ You made a promise We are the voices ♪
♪ This is the new year ♪♪
♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]
♪♪ [ Harmonic Vocalizingj
♪ ./' [ Ends ]