[ School Bell Rings ] [ Sue ] Dear jo urna/.'
It's Christmas again- that time of year when parents aren't arrested...
for forcing their children to sit on an old man's weirdly hot lap,
that magical seas on when live seemingly separa re story lines- - .
are cleverly sandwiched between commercial breaks...
and then tied together at the end like a beautiful bow.
Like that movie, Love Actually,
which I don't think anyone really cares for,
and yet it is constantly on cable.
[ Buying 1
[School Bell Rings]
Whoa. Hey, dude, are you all right?
Whoa. Wh-What happened to your face?
I fell, okay?
The stupid janitor didn't put salt on the ramp like he's supposed to,
and my wheels don't have chains, so I slipped backwards...
and tipped over on the ice.
It's fine. It's nothing. No,no,no,no- I%ey,hey,hey.
That's not nothing. That's some pretty serious road rash.
Let me take you to the nurse's office, all right?
[ Sighs ]
[School Bell Rings]
You hit your head pretty hard.
I'm going to go call your mother.
Lay down till she gets here.
- Want me to help you get up on the cot? - No.
I don't want anybody to help me with anything.
I'm tired of being so helpless. I'm tired of everybody pitying me.
And I'm tired of being in this damn chair.
Anyone could have fallen on the ice, all right?
Yeah, but they could've gotten back up...
instead of laying there screaming for help until some freshman girl showed up.
Dude, don't... bite my head off,
but you need some rest, so I'm gonna help you out, all right?
I just wish I was never in that dumb chair.
[ Finn, Echoing ] I know, buddy. I know.
[School Bell Rings]
Tina! Look.
Can you believe it?
B-B-Believe wh-what?
Why are you stuttering again?
She never stopped because you never became friends.
Rory? What are you doing here?
And talk slowly so I can understand you.
I'm your Christmas guardian angel,
and I've granted your wish.
Your car accident neverhappened.
You were never in that dumb chair.
That's insane.
Don't believe me? Ask Becky.
Merry Christmas, stud.
Want to fool around? I can't get pregnant.
What? No.
Becky's the school slut now.
No one treats her with any respect.
But I do. I took her on a date. No, you didn't.
You were too busy throwing losers in Dumpsters...
to give her any attention or treat her with kindness,
and as a result, she never learned any self-respect.
[ Finn]
- Who are you supposed to be- Super Homo? - What are you guys doing?
Wanna play? Just having some fun with Little Lord Gay Boy.
But you guys aren't straight douche bags.
You sang Lady Gaga songs.
Keep telling those dirty lies,
and we'll break your friggin' legs.
Geek.
Kurt, didn't you graduate?
I should've, but I couldn't bear coming to school more than twice a week...
because of all the bullying.
All the home schooling set me back a year.
What does Blaine say about that?
Who's Blaine?
Mr. Schue, thank God you're here.
We need to call an emergency meeting of the Glee Club.
What Glee Club?
I couldn't get enough of you brats interested to get that lame idea off the ground.
Will, I need your paycheck before you blow it all on booze and flannel shirts.
Sheets-N-Things is having a big Christmas sale,
and we desperately need an air purifier for our moldy garbage heap of an apartment.
That's a doll. Shh!
He's so drunk, he doesn't know the difference.
You're cute.
Where's Miss Pillsbury? In Hawaii.
With her dear, sweet husband, Coach Tanaka.
It's a match made in heaven, right, honey?
That's right.
Oh.
Oh! [Gas Shh! D3]
Rachel? What are you doing here?
You live in New York. You go to the most prestigious drama school in the country.
Well, I am gonna be in the Lima Community Players' production of The /I//us/'c /I//an-
Tell me you're at least playing Marian the Librarian.
No, that's the lead. I'm just in the chorus.
Excuse me.
- Rachel, what's going on? - Let go of me!
What happened to you? Vvhathappenedtozfllofus? [ Shouting ]
[ Finn ] Hey! Let go!
Rory! Rory, where are you?
What's wrong?
Everything.
How can everything be so messed up?
You weren't in a wheelchair,
so you were too busy playing football to join Glee.
And it turns out you were the glue of Glee, Artie.
The quiet, steady, beating heart of the group.
No glue, no Glee.
I can fix this. I can.
I'll get them all back together. Just you watch. I'll fix it.
You're probably wondering why I've asked you all to meet me in the choir room.
This is Coach Sue's craft room.
Well, in an alternate universe, it was the choir room.
- I had a dream about that once. - I know.
And it was a place that always made me feel safe.
And I know it did for a lot of you too.
That's 'cause we danced together, we sang together,
we took turns up here.
- Like Finn said, it's about the love of the music. - Dude, are you high?
- I never said that. - Why don't you just show us what you mean?
Okay -
♪♪ [ Upbeat Pop]
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad Préspero ar"1o y felicidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Préspero afio y felicidad ♪
♪ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Préspero afio y felicidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Préspero afio y felicidad ♪
♪ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪
♪ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪♪
That was so gay.
[School Bell Rings]
[ Sewing Machine Whirring ]
Is that mine?
No. It's Quinn's.
Without the encouragement and support from you and her friends in Glee,
Quinn was never able to walk again after her accident.
Wait a minute. If there was no Glee Club,
there was no Finnchel wedding for her to drive to, so-
Quinn texts and drives in every timeline, Artie.
Okay. Why isn't she in it?
She died.
How?
Of a broken heart.
Much like her body, her spirit never recovered.
[ Finn's Voice, Echoing] Come on, dude. Your mom's here.
[ Pants]
[ Exhales]
You know, I could use some help here.
Come on. Grab onto me.
[ Finn Grunts]
Sorry, Artie.
I know it really sucks being in this chair sometimes.
For better or for worse, this chair is a part of me.
It's made me who I am.
[ Dings ]
[Siren Wailing In Distance]
Well, if you're not gonna come to Lima, then my dads and I insist...
you come with us to the Rosie O'Donnell Gay Holiday Cruise.
It's gonna be so much fun!
There's even gonna be a Jesse Tyler Ferguson look-alike contest.
[ Gasps ] Well, in that case, I'm definitely gonna have to pass.
Honey, uh- Besides, there's no reason to go to Lima anyway.
My dad and Finn and Carole are visiting Carole's sister in Zanesville,
and she always has too much eggnog and blacks out.
Happy holidays!
Well, what about Blaine? I talked to him.
But, you know, he knows that I'm saving my money for NYADA now.
And it'll be good to just have some time for myself, you know,
and think about things and- [ Knocking On Door]
Can you get that?
[ Rachel ] Okay, what do we need for this tree?
It's just hopeless.
Um, Dad!
' [ La - _ Bungghlng ]
- Season's greetings! - Oh, my God!
Well, I got a tree. You need one? G- Come in!
Okay. All right. I got it, I got it. [ Gasping, Laughing ]
Okay, you can let go now.
[ Rachel ] Okay.
Come on. Let's go look at it.
[ Rachel Gasps] Oh, it's perfect.
Yeah, well, I couldn't imagine you guys celebrating Christmas without a real tree.
His mom used to always buy the tree.
I'd always tell her to wait till I got home from work, but she never could.
And then, the first Christmas after his mom died,
I totally forgot about it.
That is, until I saw little Kurt...
hanging his own special version of a Christmas ornament...
on his window shade Christmas Eve.
Oh. My mom's perfume bottle.
Oh, I always loved the way she smelled.
[ Burt] So I pull him out of bed, I throw a coat on him,
I drive straight through a snowstorm, right down to the Christmas tree sale.
[ Rachel ] Hmm.
[ Burt] It was the first time he smiled since his mom died.
Uh, no tears on Christmas Eve.
This box is full of happy memories as well.
Like our Christmas trip to Dollywood.
Oh, yeah. That one I like.
That trip was for me. [ Chuckles ]
This redneck NASCAR trip, that was for you.
Hey, this is a nice ornament. Let's hang 'em.
All right, well, I wish I could stay,
but can't really be late for a cruise, so-
Oh, hold on. You got to open this before you go. Uh, happy Hanukkah.
- You got me something? - Merry Christmas.
Oh! It's lovely. It's for your first New York holiday season.
Hang it together. Thank you.
And then you can go. Okay. Oh!
Kurt, okay, this is to our very first New York Christmas.
[ Kurt] Yeah.
[ Horn Honking ]
I never thought I'd see this day-
us walking down the streets of New York,
right after seeing a live Broadway musical.
Well, the Rockettes might have better legs than me,
but they can't touch my “Single Ladies” performance.
That was the best musical I've ever seen.
Ah, it's freezing!
I think it's time to check off another Hummel family tradition:
hot chocolate.
♪♪ [ Muzak: “Joy to the World”]
Kurt, I have something to tell you,
and I came here because it's the kind of thing I want to tell you face-to-face.
- Don't like the sound of that. - Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it...
because there's no good way to say it.
Uh, I have prostate cancer.
[ Sighs ]
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
No, no. Hey, hey. Look at me. Do I look like a guy who's dying?
We caught it early. You know, local stage, no spreading.
Cure rate's nearly 100%.
Uh- For healthy people, Dad. You've already had a heart attack.
The heart attack is what, you know, made me get checkups twice a year.
It's just really scary...
to think that when I finally reach my destiny,
that you won't be around to see it.
He)'-
I will be there. I promise.
[ Sighs ] Look, can I just give you one piece of advice...
while we're still talking father to son?
This is three times I've had to stare death in the eye.
And you know the one thing I took away from all that?
You've got to hold the people you love close to you no matter what.
♪ J' [Jazz]
Dad, you okay? Do you need a pillow or tea, water?
No, Kurt, stop. Come on. Let's focus on happy things.
Like our Christmas traditions.
I'm looking forward to watching basketball on Christmas Day...
while you pretend you watch with me.
You mean while I secretly read Vogue?
That was never a secret. No, like our other Christmas traditions.
Like on Christmas Eve, where we each exchange one gift.
My favorite part.
All right. You first. Ah, I saw that.
[Laughs]
Ah-ha-ha! Nice.
I know it's cheesy, but thought you'd like it. Aah!
Screw cheesy. I love it.
In México, they would call me Sefior Queso.
Look at this. Ah, man. I love it, man.
You are going to kick ass at that school.
That's the plan. All right. My turn.
Okay, so my gift to you is really big.
It's too big to put under the tree. Curiosity piqued.
Okay, so you can pick it up at this address,
and, you know, if you don't like it, you can return it.
[ Man ] ♪ ...upon a midnight clear ♪
♪ That glorious song ♪
Package for Kurt Hummel.
Blaine? Surprise!
Your dad called me out of the blue and wanted to fly me out here...
just so I can see that look on your face, and it's pretty priceless.
[Laughs] Actually, he told me everything,
and I promise, I'll keep an eye on him for you.
But the reason why I'm here...
is because he didn't want us to miss out...
on another important holiday tradition.
Our Christmas duet.
You are happy to see me, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Always.
Well, come on. Get your skates on.
It's almost midnight. Hurry up!
♪♪ [ Blaine Scatting ]
♪ I'm dreamin' ♪
♪ Of a white Christmas ♪
♪ With every Christmas card I write ♪
♪ May your days May your days May your days ♪
♪ Be merry and bright;
♪ And may all ♪
♪ Your Christmases be white ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
[ Harmonizing ] ♪ I-I-I-I'm dreaming ♪
♪ Of a white Christmas ♪
♪ With every Christmas card I write ♪
♪ Oh, oh;
♪ May your days be merry ♪
♪ And bright;
♪ And may all ♪
♪ Your Christmases ♪
♪ Be white ♪
♪ I'm dreamin' ♪
♪ Of a white Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ [ Both Scatting ]
♪♪ [ Ends ]
[ Bell Tolling ]
Listen. Hey.
It's midnight.
It's Christmas. Yeah.
Officially.
No matter what, no matter where,
even if we're not... together,
we're always gonna be there for each other.
[School Bell Rings]
Oh, hey, Puckerman, yo.
You going African, or are you more Hebrew for the holidays?
Yeah, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? Which is it? Kwanukkah!
Hey!
[Shouting ]
Hey! One Puckerman just ate your lunch.
What do you think's gonna happen when we unload two barrels of Puokshot in your ugly mugs?
Huh?
What are you lookin' at?
What are you doing here?
Just scoping out some chicks, doing a little research for my screenplay.
You're a screenwriter now?
In L.A., you're nobody unless you're somebody in the movie business.
I'm almost done with my first script.
It's sci-fi, but it has a high school element.
Wow. That sounds really cool actually.
Well, if I'm being totally honest, I also came back to talk to you.
I'm worried about you, dude.
Well, I- I'm fine.
Fine doesn't get into fights in the hallway.
Think what you need is a little mentoring from your big bro.
Come spend a few days in la-la land with me. Let's do Hanukkah together.
All you need is some cash for gas and burritos.
My hog has a sweet sidecar.
Wait.
You- You want me to ride all the way to California in a Sidecar?
Where's your sense of adventure?
[School Bell Rings]
[ Motor Revs ]
Noah Puckerman. There should be a drive-on for us.
That's what they call a pass that you get...
when you're allowed to drive on to the lot.
It's a technical term.
So, who's your meeting with? Is it about your screenplay?
I'm just here networking today.
Played with the sweater puppies of one of the assistants of one of the guys...
who produces one of me NCIS's, and she got me the pass.
Wow. You really are making things happen.
It was inevitable.
If you're in Hollywood and you're a Jew or gay, you basically got it made.
What are you doing?
I told you- networking.
We need to let all the bigwigs here know who we are.
Or, more specifically, what we are.
♪♪ [ Upbeat]
♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah Come light the menorah ♪
♪ Let's have a party We'll all dance the hora ♪
♪ Gather round the table We'll give you a treat ♪
♪ Sevivonim to play with and latkes to eat ♪
♪ And while we are playing ♪
♪ The candles are burning low;
♪ One for each night They shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ One for each night They shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah Come light the menorah ♪
♪ Let's have a party We'll all dance the hora ♪
♪ Gather round the table We'll give you a treat ♪
♪ Sevivonim to play with and latkes to eat ♪
♪ And while we are playing ♪ [ Gunfire ]
♪ The candles are burning low; [ Men Shouting ]
♪ One for each night They shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah Come light the menorah ♪
♪ Let's have a party We'll all dance the hora ♪
♪ Gather round the table We'll give you a treat ♪
♪ Sevivonim to play with and latkes to eat ♪
♪ And while we are playing ♪
♪ The candles are burning low;
♪ One for each night They shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ One for each night They shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ One for each night They shed a sweet light ♪
_/~ To remind us of days long ago ♪♪ [ Tool Buzzing ]
Happy Hanukkah!
[Jake] I can't believe that this is where you live.
No, I'm just renting. I think if I buy, I'd want to be up in the hills.
One of those houses they shoot porn in.
Excuse me.
- Aren't you the guy who cleans our pool? - Yeah, Mrs. Cross, hey.
I thought you were in Hawaii for Christmas.
Yeah, we came back early. You have five minutes till I call the police.
Dude, why did you lie to me?
I didn't think you'd be impressed by my apartment in the Valley...
filled with IKEA furniture I never figured out how to put together.
So all that screenwriter stuff- is that just garbage too?
Figured it was my only chance to convince you to move out here with me.
I'm a sophomore, man.
I mean, I had to lie to my mom and tell her I was going on vacation in Fort Lauderdale...
with Ryder and his family just to get out here for this.
I'm a mess out here, dude.
It's lonely. Got no friends.
It's impossible to meet people 'cause you spend the whole day in your car.
Why didn't you just tell me that? We are family.
I mean, I would've understood.
That your big brother is a loser? Let's go back to Lima.
If we leave this afternoon, we'll make it back by Christmas Eve.
If I go back, my mom's gonna make me go to Breadstix for dinner on Christmas Day...
while my sister hangs out with her Christian friends.
Cool. I'll go too.
And I'll invite my mom.
My mom hates your mom.
Your mom hasn't ever even met my mom.
You feel lonely? You want this feeling of family?
Fine, then let's you and I- We'll make it happen. [Zipper Zips ]
♪♪ [ Muzak: “Jingle Bells”]
Thanks.
- Thanks. - How great is this lasagna?
I saw you once, you know.
I came into that diner you were working at after he told me about you.
You waited on me, acted like you had no idea who I was.
I didn't.
He never told me he was married.
He did not wear his ring when we were together.
- Is that how you make yourself feel better? - Stop it.
He split on both of you.
Spent all these years hating each other, keeping me and my brother apart,
and for what?
To spite some jerk who never loved any of us?
Puck's right. We all have one thing in common:
He ran out on all of us.
This week with Puck was... ridiculous,
but it felt different than being with a friend.
We're a family. Okay?
A pretty messed-up one, but still a family.
Your father really was an ass.
An epic ass. [Jake Chuckles]
- So let's drink a toast. - Yes, let's.
To the power of the holidays,
to new traditions...
and to an epic ass that did one thing right:
He brought us together.
Cheers.
- Merry Hanukkah, dude. - Right back at you, Bro.
[ Slurping ]
[School Bell Rings]
Hi, Marley. Here's a Rolex. Merry Christmas.
Hi, Ryder. Huh?
Here's a three-week vacation to Saint-Tropez.
What? Enjoy.
Boop. What's this?
Those are the keys to your brand-new 2013 Toyota Camry.
Brittany, what are you doing?
Um, well, last week, I decided to watch a documentary...
about the Mayan apocalypse, which arrives on December 21, 2012.
So, I decided to cash in all my savings...
so my friends and I could enjoy what's left of our lives to the fullest.
Enjoy. Merry Christmas, everybody.
[School Bell Rings]
Hey, Brittany. Um, can I ask you a question?
Yeah, not if you're gonna tell me that the Mayan apocalypse isn't real.
'Cause the documentary I watched was on the History Channel...
involving real actors portraying real events.
No, listen.
I believe it too.
[ School Bell Rings ] Fact. 2012 is the year that Kim ll-Sung,
founder of North Korea, would've turned 100.
Divide 100 by 10, the percentage of Americans...
that believe the world will end the 21st of December, and you get 10-
Mexico's rank in the world as a tourist destination-
whose president expects the Mayan apocalypse...
to attract 52 million people to his country.
It's all right there. All anyone has to do is look at the numbers.
I'm terrified.
And we need to purify ourselves for the last day of baktun,
the 144,000-day cycle of the Mayan calendar.
Totally. We need to tell everyone we know how we really feel about them.
[School Bell Rings]
You guys, welcome to the first meeting...
of the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse Club.
Wait. That's what this is?
Don't worry. It's also the last meeting.
Because we're all so close, Sam and I wanted to bring you here...
so we could finally tell you our true feelings about you.
Tina, acting is a pipe dream for you,
and your decision to pursue it as a career...
is both irresponsible and shocking.
Joe, you haven't really made much of an impression on me,
and I don't really know what your deal is.
Wait a second. This is the worst club ever.
We're not gonna just sit here and let you insult us.
I wasn't gonna insult you. All I wanted to tell you was that I think you're delightful.
Guys, you can't leave yet. You're gonna miss the best part!
Yeah. Okay. Merry Christmas to you too.
Guys, we're not even gonna make it to Christmas!
Can't believe how naive they are.
I know. Some people just can't face the cold, hard fact...
that this Earth is really just the back of a giant crocodile...
that's destroyed and re-created every 500 years.
Well, at least we have each other.
Yeah.
And since the world is gonna end before Christmas,
in the meantime, this will have to do.
.I'.I' [ Rock]
[ Bells Jingling ]
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock;
♪ A-jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring ♪
♪ Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun ♪
♪ Now the jingle hop has begun ♪
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock;
♪ A-jingle bells chime in jingle bell time ♪
♪ Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square ♪
♪ In the frosty air;
♪ What a bright time It's the right time ♪
♪ To rock the night away;
♪ Jingle bell time is a swell time ♪
♪ To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh ♪
♪ Giddyap, jingle horse Pick up your feet ♪
♪ A-jingle around the clock ♪
♪ Mix and a-mingle in the jingling beat;
♪ That's the jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock;
♪ Jingle bell chime in jingle bell time ♪
♪ Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun ♪
♪ Now the jingle hop has begun ♪
♪ Giddyap, jingle horse Pick up your feet ♪
♪ Jingle around the clock ♪
♪ A-mix and a-mingle in the jingling beat;
♪ That's the jingle bell That's the jingle bell ♪
♪ That's the jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock;
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell ♪
♪ ROCK J3
- Whoo! - ♪♪ [ Ends ]
Yes!
[Sighs] And here's another rock.
Brittany,
before the world ends, will you marry me?
Are you sure you're qualified to marry us?
You betcha, kiddo.
I went on a Mayan church Web site and I got ordained.
If you're really serious about doing this.
Yeah. I want Brittany and I to meet Q'uq'umatz,
the feathered snake god, together.
Put your hands here.
Brittany, I've always thought you were super hot...
and really smart,
but what I didn't know was that...
you were going to end up being my soul mate.
Who knows what the future holds for us?
Probably tsunamis and horrible sea monsters.
But now I'm not worried about that because I have you.
Sam, when you first joined the Glee Club,
I didn't notice for a while.
It wasn't until you did a Rich Little impression...
and then told me it was a Rich Little impression...
and explained who Rich Little was...
that I just- I knew you were special.
And I can't tell you how excited I am to become your Mayan star wife.
You may kiss your bride.
It's December 18-
three days till the end.
Let's make this time count.
[ Birds Chirping ]
Brittany. Hmm?
It's December 22.
We survived the Mayan apocalypse.
You know what this means?
The world didn't end. We're also married.
[School Bell Rings]
You know, I hate to ask you something...
during your midday rflualofdevoufing an entire animal carcass,
so here goes nothing.
What's going on here? It's the faculty and staff Secret Santa.
And you really couldn't swallow first, could you?
[ Chuckles ]
Mmm.
Millie Rose. Who the hell's Millie Rose?
She's a sweetheart. She works in the cafeteria.
She's a big lady, and I think her daughter's in the Glee Club.
[School Bell Rings]
How about this one?
Becky, it's a beautiful sweater from Benetton.
Epic fail! I already got one of these, Coach!
Give me something I don't already have!
Like what? Like a hot date!
Or a snowmobile!
Oh, Becky, you're not the only person I have to shop for.
I gotta get something for that hideous wad ofalunchlady,
who somehow was able to squeeze out a ravishing, golden-throated,
raven-haired beauty from those monstrous, gaping loins.
[ Sighs ] What do you get the woman who's eaten everything?
[School Bell Rings]
Just to be clear, no presents this year.
That money is going to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.
We're not playing around here. I know, Mom.
I know this is serious.
I have a problem, and I want to get better.
Besides, we don't really need anything.
Not even a tree?
Marley.
A tree is $50,
and a session with Dr. Goodsitt is $200.
I don't need to tell you that I don't make a lot of money.
I will be damned if I waste a penny of it...
before my daughter is healthy enough...
to realize what a beautiful miracle she is.
Sorry. [ Chuckles ]
[ Millie ] If you want to give me a gift,
sing me something.
Deal.
[ Chuckles ]
♪ The first Noel ♪
♪ The angel did say;
♪ Was to certain poor shepherds ♪
♪ In fields as they lay;
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Born is the king ♪
♪ Of Israel ♪♪
That, right there,
is the best Christmas gift I have ever gotten.
[School Bell Rings]
Well, Becky, I feel absolutely horrible.
I've become selfish and spoiled,
incredibly out of touch.
Look at this tree.
Yes, it has a stark beauty all its own,
but did I really need to cut down...
a 7,000-year-old bristlecone pine...
just to hang ornaments on it?
It just seems frivolous.
Becky, I just made a call to a guy in the antiquities business.
He's got contacts in the luxury toothpick market.
You and I are gonna sell him this tree, and we're going to give the proceeds...
to a very important cause.
[School Bell Rings]
[ Millie] Marley? [ Marley ] What?
Marley! Marley, get down here, sweetie.
Oh, my! Oh, my God.
I know. Yeah, the back door was jimmied open.
I was gonna call the police, and then I saw all this.
Mom. Look at this sweater.
It's- I think it's from Benetton.
Oh, sweet Lord.
I am gonna pass out. Marley-
Oh, my God. Marley, there's $800 here.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God.
Merry Christmas, Mom! Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
We should probably still call the police.
I actually think I knew it was really over...
when he tried to pick up on my sister...
at her baby shower.
[ Both Laughing ]
Aw, look at 'em. Laughing, trading war stories about us kids.
It's a true Hanukkah miracle.
You know, I'm really gonna miss you when you go back to L.A.
I was thinking about that.
I mean, I'm a screenwriter. I can write anywhere.
And I'm sure most of my pool-cleaning clients in Lima would take me back, so-
So you're moving back home?
I mean, L.A. is great, but...
someone needs to look after you and our moms.
[ Sighs ]
So we're not actually married.
There aren't actually any Mayan church Web sites.
The Mayans were wiped out 500 years ago...
by the conquistadors and smallpox.
That's like chicken pox, but smaller.
Look, when I heard the two of you were getting engaged, I thought to myself,
these kids are two... special kids.
The last thing we need is another teen tragedy...
of marrying too young, popping out a couple kids before you're 20...
and ending up with your faces blurred out on an episode of Cops.
I'm happy to have more time with Sam.
I just- I feel empty since the world didn't end.
Yeah, like everything was just so energized for those few days,
and I felt so close to everyone, and-
It- It was really awesome. I just miss that feeling.
[ Imitates Phone Buzzing ] Oi. Look at my phone.
Huh. I got a Google alert about the Mayan calendar.
Itsays,uh, some archaeologist named Indiana Jones...
found a new Mayan calendar today.
That's remarkable.
Dr. Jones said that the new end of the world date...
is September 27, 2014.
That gives us like two whole years of giving love and brutal honesty to everyone we know.
[ TV: Male Sportscaster] [ TV: Crowd Cheering]
- So, who's winning? - [Together] Celtics.
...hits the floater from about nine feet.
[ Continues, indistinct]
Okay, I tried. Ah!
Oh! Twenty seconds.
Pay up, Anderson.
You may have dated him, but I raised him. I know my son.
Aw, you couldn't have just toughed it out for just a few more seconds, Kurt?
No. Just a few more seconds.
So, graduating. Plans for the future?
Uh- Well, I haven't talked about this with Kurt,
and I wouldn't do anything to make him uncomfortable,
but I was thinking about applying to NYADA.
Would that be okay?
I think that'd be great.
Me too.
[School Bell Rings] [ Knocking ]
Can I talk to you for a second, Coach?
I wanted to say thank you...
for what you did for Marley and me.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I had nothing to do with the making of that film.
I bribed Becky Jackson with candy,
and she told me everything.
You're very generous, but, um-
[ Clears Throat]
I'm afraid I can't accept this money.
Well, you and I both know how hard it is to be a single mother.
So take the money...
and make sure that daughter of yours gets better.
Is that understood?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
please sideways-step yourself the hell out of my office.
Uh- Would you come with me?
Marley wanted to say thank you too.
Does this involve the Glee Club singing a Christmas song...
in the auditorium, with snow falling on an elaborate winter scene?
[School Bell Rings]
Yep, okay. This is exactly what I just described.
Coach Sylvester, I wanted to thank you for what you did,
so I called Artie, and he helped pull all this together.
Well, it's a testament to how little you know me...
if you think this is something I would enjoy.
♪ Have yourself ♪ ♪♪ [vocalizing ]
♪ A merry little Christmas ♪
♪ Let your heart be light ♪
♪ From now on ♪
♪ Our troubles will be out of sight;
♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪
♪ Make the yuletide gay;
♪ From now on ♪
♪ Our troubles will be miles away;
♪ Here we are as in olden days ♪
♪ Happy golden days ♪
.1' Of yore ♪
♪ Faithful friends who are dear to us ♪
♪ Gather near to us ♪
♪ Once more 3 3 Once more 3
♪ Once more ♪
♪ Through the years ♪
♪ We all will be together;
♪ If the fates allow;
♪ Hang a shining star;
♪ Upon the highest bough ♪
♪ And have yourself ♪
♪ A merry little Christmas now;
♪ Faithful friends who are dear to us ♪
♪ Gather near to us ♪
♪ Once more ♪
♪ Through the years ♪
♪ We all will be together;
♪ If the fates allow;
♪ Hang a shining star;
♪ Upon the highest bough ♪
♪ And have yourself ♪
♪ A merry little Christmas ♪
♪ NOWJ ♪
[ Together] Merry Christmas!
[ Laughing ]
♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]
♪♪ [ Harmonic Vocalizingj
♪ ./' [ Ends ]