Here's what you missed.
The cast' list for Grease went' up, and IOTIyis none I00 happy.
Who the hell is Patty Simcox?
And neither is Jake, because Ryder got Danny and Marley got Sandy.
Unique's playing Rizzo, which totally confused Principal Figgins.
Unique Adams is nothing more than an attractive, buxom young woman...
who has got it going on in all the right places.
- She's a brick house, Sue. - And Blaine is the Teen Angel,
and he's totally broken up about breaking up with Kurt.
Sue's out for Finn, because he called her baby retarded.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that.
And now he's gonna take over Glee Club,
'cause Will's going to Washington on sabbatical.
Ana' that's what you missed on Glee.
[ School Bell Ringing ]
All right, guys, listen up. I have an announcement to make.
- Adele is dead. - No.
I have been asked to join a blue ribbon panel...
to rewrite the arts curriculum nationwide.
- [ Students ] Wow! - [ Will ] Thank you.
I'll be taking a short sabbatical,
which means I'm leaving McKinley at the end of the week.
What? This is crazy.
But Glee Club is your life.
Which is why this is only temporary.
I'll be back right after sectionals.
- Wait. After sectionals? - [ Sam ] VVhoa!
I mean, it's not like we know him that well or anything.
Guys, guys, calm down. Look, I knew I needed to find a replacement,
which is why I brought in Finn Hudson.
Mr. Schue, Finn cannot take over Glee Club.
He doesn't know what he's doing at all! Sorry, Finn.
Guys, I know I can do this. And I've got some really great ideas for sectionals.
We'll all be dead by then! He doesn't know how to direct a musical!
- No, that's fine. - No, we can't win without him. Who's gonna drive the bus?
Finn Hudson, Schuester.
Figgins's office, right now.
L-I don't even understand how you found out.
Oh, William, I have the choir room bugged.
That plaque with the dead fat lady on it? Her eyes are cameras.
Okay, Sue, this is none of your business.
And besides, I've already cleared this with Figgins, so I don't see what the problem is.
Will, of course you don't,
because this is just another one of your ill-conceived,
bizarrely sentimental schemes...
that displays absolutely no forethought...
and appears immediately ridiculous to everyone in America except you.
Finn Hudson barely graduated high school less than six months ago,
he has no bachelor's degree, nor the certification to teach in the state of Ohio.
Sue, Glee Club is not a class.
It's an extracurricular activity.
Which is why it is perfectly legal...
for Finn to volunteer his talents temporarily.
I promise, this is the right thing to do.
I can take this Glee Club to sectionals, and I know we can win.
I'll work just as hard as Mr. Schue does, and I'll do it all for free.
Okay, let me just remind everyone of something.
For the past year, I have shown the Glee Club mercy,
and this school has enjoyed an unprecedented era of peace.
But if Bloaty the Gravy Clown is allowed to take over Glee Club,
my détente with the arts at this school will be over.
[Sue Screams]
- Hey! - [Students Screaming ]
You're a menace to the state of Ohio!
All right, people,
since your egregious ineptitude is making me lose my will to live,
I decided to bring in some of my best upperclassmen...
to help you up your game.
Let's partner up.
We're gonna go across the floor.
Let's start with some jetés.
Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you much in the last couple of weeks.
How you been? I'm good. You know, up and down.
Go! It's good.
Now that Finn and I are officially-officially broken up,
I feel like I can just focus on really why I came to New York,
which is my work.
Good.
- Use the floor, ladies. - Speaking of work,
guess who got her first Off-Broadway play audition.
What?
- I know. I'm really excited. - Watch your shoulder.
So, do you know the director, Ivan van Hoven? Yeah.
He's doing this, like, amazing...
avant-garde production of The Glass Menagerie.
It's gonna be, like, set in a zoo,
and Peter Dinklage is playing the Gentleman Caller,
and so, he's looking for just a fresh face...
to play his Laura Wingfield.
Wow, great role.
But you're too hot to play Laura.
J." f Dance j
So, I'm gonna be spending the week just getting off-book.
Do you think you can help me? Yeah.
Hey, some advice.
You're not ready for Ivan.
You're not tough enough yet. You don't have enough wounds.
Look, I auditioned for him for his Hedda,
and he made me recite my monologue in a slip,
standing on one foot, pouring tomato juice all over myself.
Skip it, Schwimmer. Ivan will eat you alive.
I can take it.
And, look, I was thinking, maybe you should audition too.
For Amanda Wingfield.
You mean the faded southern belle...
who spends her haggy, joyless days selling magazine subscriptions over the phone?
I thought that you maybe might want to get back in the game.
- Juniors, take five. - [ Man ] Check.
Freshmen- I don't know. Just, honey, do something.
Brody, sidebar. I'm looking for a new T.A.
I think you'd be perfect.
But it's gonna mean a lot of late nights, a lot of time out of school.
You're gonna have to help me prep lessons-
Yeah, it-it doesn't matter. I'm- I'm in.
Good decision. We'll start next week.
Uh, actually could we- could we start on Monday?
L-I promised Rachel that I would help her out.
Yeah. I understand.
We'll start next week.
[Tina] Okay, hold on and suck in.
[ Grunts ] I am.
I don't understand. This fit yesterday.
Maybe it's stress bloating.
I get it all the time. [ Sugar] Hey.
[ Both ] Tina.
- [ Laughs] - I love it so much.
I promise I won't pee in it.
I'm here for my fitting. Where is Harajuku Girl?
I thought you quit because your part was too small.
Well, Spray-Tanned Hawk Nose, to quote Shakespeare,
“There's no small parts, only fat actresses.”
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just say “fat”?
I was distracted by Marley's unfortunate and very noticeable weight gain.
I'm confused. Are you playing the lead in Grease or Hairspray?
I swear, I'm not eating any differently.
How is this happening?
I usually don't believe in the lamestream media's definition of “science,”
but it just makes sense...
that your metabolism is grinding to a halt.
You're getting the body you were destined to have.
I had to accept how I am.
I spend almost every weekend alone...
because everyone just assumes that the popular girl's busy.
I'm doing this play because I could use some friends. Real ones.
In the spirit of Grease,
I thought it would be a good way for us to get to know each other...
if we had a sleepover.
Sleepover?
Tomorrow night, my place. Just us girls.
Can I come?
I'm not going if Unique's not invited.
- Please? - Ladyboy can come.
- Yes. - But if I catch you hiding your dinky between your legs...
and prancing around like S/Yence of the L ambs, you're out.
[School Bell Rings]
Rough day at Rydell High?
Mom, when did you start to get-
Big?
Well, I battled my weight all through high school.
And when your daddy and I had you,
and I thought that it would fix everything...
that was wrong between us, and it didn't,
that's when I started eating and didn't stop.
Why are you asking me this?
I didn't fit into my Sandy costume again.
Every time I try it on, it just gets tighter.
So, I thought maybe...
it's starting to happen to me.
You know, my-
my genetics.
Now I didn't raise a victim or a quitter.
[Sighs] I raised a star.
You have control over your life and your body.
And you are thin and beautiful.
But you won't stay that way...
unless you fight for it.
So, starting now,
we are on a strict new diet.
Together.
[School Bell Rings]
Uh-uh. No way. Nope.
You are not allowed in here. This area is reserved for faculty only.
Not for 19-year-olds who just got kicked out of the army...
and spent several months backpacking through Georgia, of all places.
I mean, it seriously boggles the mind.
You must have done everything a person could possibly do in that state,
including hillbilly hand-fishing...
and plus-sized male prostitution.
Look, I came here to apologize, okay?
I'm sorry for calling your baby a- a retard.
L-I'm sorry.
That word was offensive, and it just came out wrong anyway.
It's not what I meant to say. I think it's exactly what you meant to say.
I've seen your true colors, Finn Hudson.
You've got hate in that heart, Double Stuff.
And probably also frosting.
Fine. I tried to apologize.
If you can't accept that, that's on you.
Excuse me. I gotta get to rehearsal.
- Yeah? Where do you think you're rehearsing? - The auditorium.
Oh, no, no, not this week. Or next week.
You see, since you've taken the liberty of redefining...
what it means to be a teacher at McKinley,
well, I took the liberty of reserving the auditorium for Cheerios practice.
So you're gonna have to find some other place to rehearse your idiotic musical.
I don't know. Maybe the Moose Lodge?
Or hell itself.
[ Exhales]
You sure you wrote down the right address?
Yeah. Well, Finn works here.
And we're supposed to rehearse here?
[ Sighs ] Guys, it's perfect.
Kill two birds with one stone.
I gotta overhaul this jalopy,
and you guys need to figure out how to be convincing grease monkeys.
We're going full-on method rehearsal.
I've never even changed the oil in my car. I can't fix this.
I cannot believe you got this part over me.
Right, right. Look, acting is all about knowing the material, right?
Mm-hmm. The themes.
So what is Grease all about?
Well, it's about fixing cars...
and getting- getting grease under your fingernails,
and about signing a blood oath with your brothers to the very end.
Preach, brother. That's totally the theme.
Okay, but where should we-
I mean, there's no stage or anything.
Look out there.
Imagine an audience anxiously awaiting your arrival.
And look up there. Spotlights.
And-And look right here.
And what do you see?
An old clunker.
Well, yeah, it's an old clunker.
Look again.
Tell me what Danny Zuko sees.
Why, this car's automatic.
It's systematic.
It's hydromatic.
- Why it's Greased Lightnin'! - Greased Lightnin'!
♪ We'll get some overhead lifters ♪
♪ And some four-barrel quads Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Keep talking Whoa, keep talking ♪
♪ A fuel-injection cutoff and chrome-plated rods Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'll get the money I'll kill to get the money;
♪ With a four-speed on the floor;
♪ They'll be waiting at the door;
♪ You know that ain't no crap ♪
♪ We'll be getting lots of that in Greased Lightnin' ♪
♪ Go, go, go, 90-90-90-90, 90-90-90-90 ♪
♪ Go Greased Lightnin' You're burning up the quarter mile ♪
♪ Greased Lightnin' Go Greased Lightnin' ♪
♪ Go, Greased Lightnin' ♪
♪ You're coasting through the heat lap trial ♪
♪ Greased Lightnin' Go, Greased Lightnin' ♪
- ♪ You are supreme ♪ - ♪ Uh, uh ♪
- ♪ The chicks'll scream ♪ - ♪ Uh, uh ♪
-_l~ For Greased Lightnin' ♪ - ♪ Go, 90, 9O ♪
- ♪ Go-go-go-go-go-go-go ♪ - ♪ We'll get some purple frenched taillights ♪
♪ And 30-inch fins Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ A Palomino dashboard ♪
♪ And dual muffler twins Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ With new pistons, plugs and shocks, I can get off my rocks ♪
♪ You know that I ain't braggin' She's a real honey wagon ♪
- ♪ Greased Lightnin' ♪ C♪ Go, go, go, 90-90-99-99-99 ♪
♪ Go, Greased Lightnin' You're burning up the quarter mile ♪
♪ Greased Lightnin' Go, Greased Lightnin' ♪
♪ Go, Greased Lightnin' ♪
♪ You're coasting through the heat lap trial ♪
♪ Greased Lightnin' Go, Greased Lightnin' ♪
- ♪ You are supreme ♪ - ♪ Uh, uh ♪
- ♪ The chicks'll scream ♪ - ♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ For Greased Lightnin' ♪
♪ Go, 90, go, go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go ♪
♪♪ [ Clapping Rhythmically]
[ Engine Revs]
♪♪ [ Rock]
♪ Go, Greased Lightnin' You're burning up the quarter mile ♪
♪ Greased Lightnin' Go, Greased Lightnin' ♪
♪ Go, Greased Lightnin' You're coasting through the heat lap trial ♪
♪ Greased Lightnin' Go, Greased Lightnin' ♪
- ♪ You are supreme ♪ - ♪ Uh, uh ♪
- ♪ The chicks'll scream ♪ - ♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ For Greased Lightnin' ♪
♪ Lightnin', Lightnin', Lightnin', Lightnin' ♪
'J' Yeah ♪ C♪ Lightflin' ♪♪
[ Light Applause ]
Wow. Good start.
Now, uh, let's try it again with, like, double the energy.
[ Grunts ] [ Sighs 1
I can't believe you have a dance audition f o r The Glass Menagerie-
Well, Ivan is a very physical director.
- All of his work is very movement-driven. - Ooh.
Come on. Now? Ooh, release.
[ Phone Rings ] Ooh. Ow.
Oh. Grease update from Tina. Ooh.
Ooh. Apparently the girl playing Sandy...
has gained so much weight, she can't fit into her clothes.
No. That's unfortunate.
But it doesn't really have anything to do with us.
No. We're not! We are not going to see it.
Not gonna see what?
What are you doing in my studio, Schwimmer?
Practicing for your big audition?
Yeah, this is actually my roommate, Kurt.
- He's helping me with it. - It's an honor to meet you, Ms. July, and-
Ooh, you've got some abs!
That's sweet.
Can you get the bar?
So you were saying- not gonna see what?
Her recently broken-up-with ex-boyfriend is directing...
my recently broken-up-with ex-boyfriend...
in a school production of Grease,
and we've got a bunch of friends in it,
so we were debating whether or not we should go.
- When is it? - This weekend.
Oh. You need to go.
I mean, if you're both not over your exes, it's a perfect opportunity for closure.
I have closure.
Okay. Then go have fun, Schwim.
Or go because it's Grease.
Go because it's your friends. It's your high school.
Rachel, I'm going. I need to see him.
I haven't seen him since. I'm not sleeping.
I'm living off of Ambien and The Notebook.
Please come with me. I can't do it alone.
Look, even if I wanted to go, which I don't, we don't have the money.
Kurt's an intern, and I spent all of my money on my last trip home, so-
[ Cassie ] Well,
I could give you my JetBlue frequent flyer miles.
I can't use them,
ever since I was banned for my...
Bloody Mary-fueled panic attack at 30,000 feet,
which resulted in the hospitalization of three flight attendants.
Don't ask. And don't go if you don't want to.
But I just think you'll regret missing it.
Here's my first-place trophy for “Most Tongues Spoken” at Bible camp.
And this is Mr. Jo Jo.
I rode him for six years until he broke my hymen.
[ Knocking ]
Triple-layer fudge cake, yo!
[Tina] Kettle corn and pizza!
And chocolate doughnuts! Unique loves her delicious, chocolaty Krispy Kreme.
Dig in, everybody, and then we'll have pillow fights...
and ghost stories and prayer circles and back rubs.
Want a doughnut, Marley?
Are there any healthy snacks?
You can eat Kleenex. They taste like clouds.
Honey, we need to have a little talk.
Here. Have mine.
[Girls Chattering ]
Okay -
These are called fingers. Just stick them in your pie hole...
and bingo, you're magically supermodel-thin forever.
I don't want to make myself vomit. That's gross.
You know what's more gross?
Having your gelatinous, corpulent, six-ton stomach explode blood...
and pudding and sour cream and chili cheese fries...
just because you didn't love yourself enough to binge and purge.
Do you do it? I would if I was born with the fat gene.
And let's be real. You weren't just born with the fat gene,
you were born with the circus fat gene- No offense.
Just think about it.
[Girls Chattering ]
Hey. Where's Marley?
Why, I'm right here,
wearing my signature News/es cap with my mud brown hair.
I'm gonna bat my bargain-basement eyes and steal your boyfriends,
just like I stole the lead in the fall musical.
♪ Look at me I'm Sandra Dee ♪
♪ Lousy with virginity ♪
♪ Won't go to bed till I'm legally wed ♪
♪ I can't I'm Sandra Dee ♪
♪ Watch it Hey, I'm Doris Day;
♪ I was not brought up that way ♪
♪ Won't come across ♪
♪ Even Rock Hudson lost his heart to Doris Day;
-_l~ I don't drink; - ♪ No.1'
-,I~Orswear_l~ - ♪ No.1'
-_l~ I don't rat my hair; - ♪ EW ♪
- ♪ I get ill from one cigarette ♪ - [ Coughing ]
♪ Keep your Why paws ♪
♪ Off my silky drawers ♪
♪ Would you pull that crap with Annette? ♪
♪ As for you, Troy Donahue ♪
♪ I know what you wanna do ♪
♪ You've got your crust I'm no object of lust;
♪ I'm just plain Sandra Dee ♪ [Giggling]
♪ Elvis, Elvis, let me be ♪
♪ Keep that pelvis far from me ♪
♪ Just keep your cool ♪
♪ Now you're starting to drool ♪
♪ Hey, I'm Sandra Dee ♪♪
Are you making fun of me, Kitty?
Some people are so touchy.
[School Bell Rings]
You wanted to see me?
Finn Hudson,
this is Rob and Betty Adams.
I took the liberty of calling them...
to congratulate them on their son landing the big role of Rizzo in Grease-
And, lo and behold, it was the first they'd heard of it.
Look, ever since Wade was a little boy, we knew that he was different.
Most little boys don't want to dress as Shirley Hemphill for Halloween.
I mean, it's just so specific.
When V\/ade performed as a girl at nationals, we were really proud.
But Chicago is a very liberal city.
I mean, we live in Ohio, and-
[Sighs] To be perfectly honest,
we're worried about Wade's safety.
I think you're overreacting. Are we?
Well, I've personally seen you physically assaulted in the hallway.
This concerns me.
Wade, is that true?
Ooh, put some pants on, Mo'Nique! [ Boy Laughs ]
We're pulling Wade out of the play,
and we're asking Wade not to dress like a girl during school hours.
[ Mrs. Adams ] Once he gets home, he can be whoever he wants to be.
Wade Adams, you can return to your sewing exam in Home Ec.
I can't believe you would do something like this.
You mean do something like conveniently protect the welfare of a student...
so that it just happens to derail the school musical?
I think that sounds exactly like something I'd do- Classic Sue Sylvester.
If you don't have a Rizzo, you don't have a show.
Well, who says I can't find another Rizzo?
Hmm? Me.
Of course I can play Rizzo.
[ Sighs ] Are you sure?
We open tomorrow, and we just gave you the script.
I was born to play this role. I've known it by heart since I was one, Artie. Come on.
So, what are you doing in town, Santana? Shut up. No one cares.
Yeah, the important thing is that she's here, so the show can go on.
This one fits. I just looked at the lines for Rizzo.
I think I can be off-book by Friday.
I may have to hold a script in the second act.
Sorry, Tina. I called Santana.
She was the obvious choice to me.
And if you played Rizzo, then we wouldn't have a Jan.
You have got to be kidding me.
All right. Well, just remember, no matter how many times people ask,
we have to stick to our five-autograph limit.
Right. I'm more concerned about running into you-know-who.
You'll be fine.
Oh, look. It's your locker next to my locker.
Remember that time you got out of that date with Mercedes...
- by saying that you had a thing for me? - Oh.
Yeah, it still burns my ass to this day.
Yes! Honey.
Oh, my God, guys-
It's amazing you guys came to see the musical.
Look, these kids are ready to bring the house down.
How are you? Tell us everything.
Oh, life is crazy busy.
You know, it's not easy balancing UCLA classes and recording backup vocals,
or having Puckerman always hit me up for sugar mamas' phone numbers.
But life is good. Good.
Oh, you guys have to come backstage and say hi.
They're gonna freak when they see who's here.
Tina!
I'm sorry. I've been starving myself all week.
How could you have gained two inches in one day?
I don't know. Maybe we can hot glue an elastic band on.
Marley, do not worry.
We're gonna get those two inches off you before curtain.
Scout's honor.
[ Bell Dinging ]
Kun?
L-I didn't think I'd see you this weekend.
We wouldn't miss it for the world.
- Would we, Kurt? - [Whispers] No.
Rachel.
Finn, hey. How are you?
Good. A little surprised to see you, but-
I'm gonna go put the kids through their warm-up.
How are you?
I'm good. I'm really good. Just... busy and-
Rachel has her first big audition for an Off-Broadway show next week.
Wow.
That's awesome. Congratulations.
Thanks.
Look, this is- this is really, really weird. Mm-hmm.
But the four of us had a lot of history between us,
so I just want to say...
it's cool you came to see our show.
Pretty proud of it.
- You were right. - Ooh.
It was a mistake to come. I'm not gonna get through act two.
Oh, no. Look, you're gonna be fine, all right?
I'm gonna be sitting right next to you.
And we're gonna be holding hands and laughing...
and applauding, and we are never, ever, gonna let them see us sweat.
Okay?
Okay, come here.
[Applause, Cheering ]
♪ Your story's sad to tell ♪
♪ A teenage ne'er-do-well ♪
♪ Most mixed up;
♪ Non-delinquent;
♪ On the mock ♪
♪ Your future's so unclear now ♪
♪ What's left of your career now ♪
♪ Cam even get a trade-m ♪
-; On your smile; -; Ah, ah, ah, ah;
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Boom, ba-doom ♪ - ♪ La-la, la ♪
♪ Ba-doom ♪ ♪ La-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Ba-doom ♪ ♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ Beauty school dropout ♪
♪ No graduation day for you ♪
♪ Beauty school dropout ♪
♪ Missed your midterms and flunked shampoo ♪
♪ Well, at least you could have taken time ♪
♪ To wash and dean your domes up ♪
♪ After spending all that dough ♪
♪ To have the doctor fix your nose up ♪
- ♪ Baby, don't sweat it ♪ - ♪ Don't sweat it ♪
♪ You're not cut out to hold a job ♪
- ♪ Better forget it; - ♪ Forget it;
♪ Who wants their hair done by a slob? ♪
♪ Now your bangs are curled Your lashes twirled ♪
♪ But still the world is cruel ♪
♪ Wipe off that angel face ♪
♪ And go back to high school ♪
♪ Baby, don't blow it;
♪ Don't put my good advice to shame ♪
♪ Baby, you know it ♪
♪ Even Dear Abknfd say the same ♪
♪ Now I've called the shot Get off the pot ♪
♪ I've really got to fly;
♪ Gotta be going ♪
♪ To that ma“ shop ♪
♪ In the sky:
♪ Beauty school dropout ♪
♪ Go back to high school ♪
♪ Beauty school dropout ♪ ♪ Beauty school dropout ♪
♪ Go back to high school ♪♪
♪♪ [ Ends ] [Applause, Cheering ]
Marley?
[ Gagging ]
[ Retching, Coughing ]
Marley, stop. Why are you doing that?
[ Crying ]
Why do you think?
My mom's the town joke,
and I'm gonna end up just like her.
Well, sticking your fingers down your throat is only gonna make things worse.
Spare me the lecture. I've seen the health films.
Okay -
Then google “Johnny Pappas.”
He's my second cousin. He was a wrestler at Bowling Green,
and the coach was always making him drop weight.
So Johnny did all the crazy diets and puked every day.
And when that stopped working, he used laxatives.
Then last March, in the middle of a match-
He died?
He crapped himself in front of the whole school.
[ Both Laughing ]
Look-
I would never use laxatives.
Well, I don't want to kiss a girl who's got puke on her breath.
Either on stage... or later.
Now, come on. We're on in five.
[ Door Closes ]
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ There has to be ♪
♪ Something more than what they see ♪
♪ Wholesome and pure ♪
♪ Oh, so scared and unsure ♪
♪ A poor man's Sandra Dee ♪
♪ Sandy, you must start anew ♪
♪ Don't you know what you must do? ♪
♪ Hold your head high ♪
♪ Take a deep breath and sigh ♪
♪ Good-bye A'
♪ To Sandra Dee ♪♪
[ Laughing ] Mmm.
Hello. Hi.
I'm really glad you came back to play Rizzo.
I feel bad for Mercedes, but if her parents want her to be a boy,
then, I don't know, I guess it makes sense.
[ Chuckles ]
- I miss you. - I miss you too.
The only reason why I agreed to do this play...
was so that I could see you again.
Well, I'm not dating anybody new, boy or girl.
Britt, we talked about this.
And it would be fine if you were.
I'm glad that you're not.
60 seconds, Ms. Lopez.
[ Both Chuckle]
“Ms. Lopez.”
Are you nervous about your big number?
Oh, God, no. Come on. It's all about the attitude.
I'm just gonna do what I did with “America”...
in West Side Sta/y last year.
Yeah, but this is, like, a sad song, right?
So you have to think of something that makes you, like, really sad.
Like how we're not together anymore, and it's okay,
but it still hurts a little bit.
Especially on Fridays, 'cause that was our date night.
Good luck.
♪♪ [ Intro]
♪ There are worse things I could do ♪
♪ Than go with a boy or two ♪
♪ Even though the neighborhood thinks ♪
♪ I'm trashy and no good ♪
♪ I suppose it could be true ♪
♪ But there are worse things I could do ♪
♪ I could flirt with all the guys ♪
♪ Smile at them and bat my eyes ♪
♪ Press against them when we dance ♪
♪ Make them think they stand a chance ♪
♪ Then refuse to see it through ♪
♪ That's a thing I'd never do ♪
♪ I could stay home every night ♪
♪ Wait around for Mr. Right ♪
♪ Take cold showers every day;
♪ And throw my “fie away ♪
♪ On a dream that won't come true ♪
♪ I could hurt someone like me ♪
♪ Out of spite or jealousy;
♪ I don't steal, and I don't lie ♪
♪ But I can feel And I can cry;
♪ A fact I'll bet you never knew;
♪ But to cry in front of you ♪
♪ That's the worst thing ♪
[ In Harmony, Together] ♪ I could do ♪♪
♪♪ [ Ends ]
[Applause, Cheering ]
Tina, you were incredible as Jan.
Finn was right. No one could play this part better than you.
Thank you. You know, this last week, I've been thinking.
Maybe we shouldn't have broken up. Maybe it was premature.
Maybe. But... we did.
And it really tested who I am.
And I'm liking who I am.
But I miss you too.
So... we can talk about it. [ Sighs ]
Whoa. I mean-
Whoa.
Are you sure?
This doesn't look ridiculous?
Not the word that comes to mind.
It's just so tight.
I feel like I'm gonna shake out of the seams in the Shake Shack.
You have nothing to worry about. You're gonna destroy this.
I'll tell you who's going to destroy us, y'all.
Fletcher Mantini. He's in the audience.
Who's that?
He's the theater critic for The McKinley Muckraker.
He hates everything, and his brutal deconstruction...
of your performances is gonna be posted online...
before you're even forklifted out of your costume.
See you on the ice.
Hey, you can't listen to her.
I know. Uh, it's-it's just-
Hey, hey, hey, look at me.
Take a deep breath.
[ Inhales Deeply]
You look amazing.
You sound amazing. This is going to be amazing.
Yeah.
♪♪ [ Pop] [Audience Cheering ]
♪ I got chills They're multiplyin' ♪
♪ And I'm losin' control ♪
♪ 'Cause the power you're supplyin' ♪
♪ It's electrifyin' ♪
[ Cheering, Applause ]
♪ You better shape up ♪ [Backup] ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ 'Cause I need a man ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
- ♪ And my heart is set on you ♪ - ♪ And my heart is set on you ♪
♪ You better shape up ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
- ♪ You better understand ♪ - ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
- ♪ To my heart I must be true ♪ - ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Nothin' left Nothin' left for me to do ♪
- [ Both ] ♪ You're the one that I want ♪ - ♪ You are the one I want;
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey;
♪ The one that I want ♪
♪ You are the one I want;
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey;
♪ The one that I want ♪
♪ You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ The one I need ♪ ♪ One I need ♪
♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪ ♪ Yes, indeed ♪
- ♪ I better shape up ♪ - ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ 'Cause you need a man ♪ ♪ I need a man ♪
♪ Who can keep me satisfied ♪ [Backup] ♪ Who can keep me satisfied ♪
♪ Wetter shape up ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ If I'm gonna prove ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ You better prove ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ That my faith is justified ♪
♪ Are you sure'? ♪
[ Both ] ♪ Yes, I'm sure down deep inside ♪
- ♪ You're the one that I want ♪ - ♪ You are the one I want;
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey;
- ♪ The one that I want ♪ - ♪ You are the one I want;
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey The one that I want ♪
♪ You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ The one I need ♪ ♪ One I need ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪ - ♪ Yes, indeed ♪
♪ You're the one that I want ♪
♪ You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
♪ The one that I want ♪ ♪ You are the one I want;
-; Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ - ♪ The one I need ♪
♪ One I need ♪ ♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪
♪ Yes, indeed ♪
♪ You're the one that I want ♪♪
[ Cheering, Applause ]
Thanks for dragging me into this, dude.
What's wrong?
[Voice Quavering ] I just need a minute.
[Line Ringing] [Sniffling ]
[ Phone Buzzing, Ringing ]
Hmm.
Well, hello, Schwimmer.
How's Ohio?
Cassandra? I- I was calling for Brody.
Yeah, he's in the shower,
soaping up his incredibly chiseled physique.
You want me to leave a message?
I'm sorry, I don't- I-l don't understand.
Uh, let's see. You blew off your playdate with the hottest piece of ass at NYADA...
to go visit your loser ex-boyfriend.
Said hot ass was lonely, distraught,
didn't know what to do with himself,
and was more than happy to come help me chore 0 graph a new routine- - .
when I called him up.
And then one thing led to another,
and next thing you know he's at my place and, you know.
So... you and Brody-
[ Sighs 1 Why?
Why don't we consider this one of those little nasty life lessons?
Auditioning for an Off-Broadway play,
throwing yourself at an upperclassman...
and telling me that / need to get back in the game?
/ need to get back in the game?
I think you were overreaching and needed a little bit of a reminder.
I am the game, Schwimmer, and you are what you've always been.
- A privileged, self-indulgent, dime-a- - [ Phone Beeps Off]
[ Exhales]
Hey, you missed the curtain call.
- Have you been crying? - No, I'm fine.
For two years, I was the guy you came to with every little problem.
Are we just gonna pretend we're not even friends anymore?
I just- I shouldn't have come here.
- It's just- It's too weird. - Then why'd you come?
For Kurt and-
and for you.
You know, everything was really, really good,
and I had a couple of notes, but they were small.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, thank you for coming. Means a lot to me.
Believe me. The whole time I was directing it,
I was basically just thinking, what would Rachel do?
You're kind of my moose.
It's- It's “muse.”
I know. Just wanted to see you smile.
Now will you tell me what you're so upset about?
I'd rather not.
Were you crying about me?
I wasn't crying about you.
Oh.
It's about him, isn't it? Brody?
L-I just didn't think you'd move on that fast.
You don't know that. I know you.
I know you have four different kinds of crying.
You've got the fake crying when you want something,
which always involves a tissue.
You've got the singing crying, which this can't be.
The disappointed crying, which involves sobbing.
And the crying over a guy,
which I know very well...
'cause it used to be reserved for me.
Well, told you we shouldn't talk about this.
Well, maybe we shouldn't talk about anything anymore.
Is that really what you want? Yeah.
No contact, not even in song.
When you come back to visit, I-
I don't want to know about it.
Yeah, I think that's good.
You know, I don't really know what's gonna happen between us, but...
I know that you used to be the guy that would make me feel...
like the most special girl in the whole world.
And it doesn't feel that way anymore.
Now it just feels... sad and confusing.
And the worst part is is that doesn't even really feel that bad anymore.
And whatever happened with this Brody guy made you cry, and...
this doesn't.
Hey.
Mr. Schuester said he wanted to see you in the choir room.
Bye.
Are you okay? I just want to go home.
I thought this was home. Doesn't feel like it anymore.
Kurt, I need to talk to you.
[ Rachel ] You okay?
I'm not interested.
L- I never told you about what happened.
The guy that I hooked up with- I need you to know everything.
What are you gonna tell me? That it wasn't serious? That you only made out?
That you didn't care about him? I didn't care.
Do you think any of that matters to me?
Relationships are about trust.
And I don't trust you anymore.
I was stupid to come back.
Rachel's right. This isn't home anymore.
“Watching the skill, the nuance,
this reviewer was forced to ask himself,
'ls this not how it felt to watch Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel?
And might the directing team of Mr. Hudson and Mr. Abrams be headed for careers at NASA?'
They should be, because last night...
they plucked stars from the firmament...
and named them Marley Rose and Ryder Lynn.
Has ever an audience been so enraptured? Mayhap.
But when the last breath of life crosses this reviewer's lips,
it shall utter but three words-
'Grease, McKinley, Bravo.”'
[ Cheering, Whooping ]
Whoo!
Fletcher Mantini's just a sophomore, but he's a notoriously tough critic.
And that's what I call a rave review.
[ Sighs ] [All Cheer, Applaud ]
Man, this week hasn't been easy,
knowing it was the last time I was gonna see you guys for a while.
But one thing that's helped is knowing that I'm leaving you in good hands.
If there's one person who loves the Glee Club as much as I do, it's Finn.
And I know in my heart that he has what it takes...
to get you guys a win at sectionals.
I have so much to thank you guys for.
Not just for making every day of my life an absolute joy,
but for giving me this chance to share that joy with others.
Um, I'm gonna see you guys in a few months,
but hopefully, there'll be a brand-new sectionals trophy in that case over there.
I love you guys.
And I'm really gonna miss you.
I'm serious. You can call me anytime, day or night.
I know. You okay?
Yeah. You okay?
[ Sighs ] Yeah.
Oh, one more thing. For sectionals,
don't be afraid to open with a ballad.
Yeah, sure, we got a lot of great dancers now,
but the judges at sectionals always reward the best singers.
So what you gotta do- Mr. Schue, I got this.
[ Sighs ]
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
Go get 'em. You too.
♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]
♪♪ [ Harmonic Vocalizing]
J." I Ends j