Here's what you missed on Glee.
Rachel's in New York and her friend Brody is hot,
but Finn's still M.I.A. and her dance teacher Cassandra hates her guts.
Thank God Kurt showed up, so now they can be classic New York roommates...
and shop for shoes and stuff.
There's a new girl named Marley. She could be the next big thing.
80 could this kid Jake. Turns out he's Puck's half-brother,
and Puck totally doesn't know about him.
Ana' that's what you missed on Glee.
[School Bell Rings]
[ Brittany Narrating ] My name is Brittany S. Pierce,
and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole.
because I am on top of the world.
Senior year was awesome,
and now I get to relive every minute of it.
I'm head Cheerio, vice-Rachel of the Glee Club,
and now I'm planning a Middle East style sham election...
that will install me as senior class president for life.
Brittany, who are you talking to?
I thought I was doing a voice-over.
Okay-
[ Brittany Narrating ] It was kind of a rough summer.
I really miss Santana,
but for now, all I have to say is-
it's Brittany, bitch.
[Whistle Blows] ♪♪ [Dance]
♪ Hey, over there ♪
♪ Please forgive me if I'm coming on too strong ♪
♪ Hate to stare, but you're winning ♪
♪ And they're playing my favorite song ♪
♪ So come here a little closer;
♪ Wanna whisper in your ear;
♪ Make it clear;
♪ Little question ♪
♪ Wanna know just how you feel ♪
♪ If I said my heart was beating loud ♪
♪ If we could escape the crowd somehow;
♪ If I said I want your body now ♪
♪ Would you hold it against me? ♪
♪ 'Cause you feel like paradise ♪
♪ And I need a vacation tonight ♪
♪ So if I said I want your body now ♪
♪ Would you hold it against me? ♪
[Whispering ] ♪ If I said I want your body;
♪ Would you hold it against me? ♪
♪ Give me something good ♪
♪ Don't want to wait I want it now ♪
♪ N-N-Now, now;
♪ Pop it like a hood ♪
♪ And show me how you work it out ♪
♪ If I said my heart was beating loud ♪
♪ If I said I want your body now ♪
♪ Would you hold it against me? ♪
♪ If I said my heart was beating loud ♪
♪ Would you hold it against me? ♪♪
Well, that was just garbage.
Garbage wrapped in skin.
Brittany, my office. Now!
Brittany, I'm afraid it's time for a little tough love.
I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson.
Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way...
to a respectable C-plus.
Now, your performance, very same exam,
unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade...
F-minus.
You answered every question with “see other side,”
where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled...
“Happyville, the Town Where Math Was Never invented.”
Yeah, that's me. And that's Santana.
And that's Kurt and Rachel in heaven. And look. That's you.
Brittany, you're a terrible role model for the Cheerios.
Last year I was lost in a haze of pregnancy hormones,
and I allowed your record-breaking G.P.A. to slide.
The Cheerios grade point average has dropped three full points.
My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal,
and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
That's 'cause I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.
Brittany, you're off the Cheerios.
I'm giving the top spot to Kitty.
I'm afraid you're going to have to lose the high pony.
Tough love feels a lot like “mean.”
Britt, I'm so sorry Sue was so mean to you.
I wish I was there to make it all better.
Yeah, me too. Do you think we could scissor-Skype later?
I've got cheer practice every night till midnight, until homecoming.
Look, I love you, Britt, but I'm so late.
I gotta go, okay? I'll text you if we get a break.
Okay. Have fun. Okay. Bye.
Bye.
I'm not speaking to you. I know you joined a gang.
The tango.
You have to have it in your arsenal, people.
The first thing you need to understand is, it's all about sex.
When you are dancing the tango with someone, you're seducing them.
Partner up. We're gonna start with abrazo, the embrace.
- Let's go. - Not you, Schwimmer.
Keep practicing those jazz hands back in the corner.
Wait, but- Ms. July.
I'm sorry, um, if I'm ever gonna play Evita,
I'm gonna have to learn how to tango.
We're short a boy, so a girl needs to sit out.
And you don't have enough sex appeal to pull off a credible tango.
You're awkward and tentative in your body,
and you move like you're ashamed of it.
Arms up! Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. ♪♪ [ Tango ]
Two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight. [ School Bell Rings ]
Sorry I'm late. Someone stole my compass.
I can't wear my Cheerios uniform anymore, so I got this outfit in the lost and found.
Take a seat, Britt.
- Am I getting kicked off the Glee Club too? - Of course not.
We're just really concerned about you.
Yeah. Um, Brittany, you know you've had some setbacks lately,
and, um, it looks like you might be feeling a little bit blue.
That's okay. I started taking Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression.
Brittany, I-l think you and Emma should meet daily for a while. Mm-hmm.
I think you've underestimated the impact being held back has had on you.
Well, thanks, but I don't really have any time.
After school I'm hopping into bed, eating cashews and bacon...
and then watching The Client List marathon.
And with that, I said good-bye and swooped out the doorway,
my voice-over continuing down the hallway.
Okay, what was that?
You know, everything's been taken away from her.
She doesn't have anything to hold on to.
Clearly, she's lost her identity. [ Sighs ]
We need to bring Brittany back.
Great news, guys. Principal Figgins has asked us to perform...
at the annual back-to-school pep rally this week.
Now, I understand our national champion street cred...
has dropped a little bit since school started,
but this is our chance to really wow them and get it back.
- What are we gonna perform? - Good question.
We're a family in here, and when one of our family is falling down,
it's up to us to get together to pick them back up.
Oh, my God. Are we doing Britney Week again?
You really came into your own during the last Britney Week.
You showed us the best of Britney. Youth, energy, confidence.
She inspires you, and you inspire us.
So everyone prepare a Britney song for the week,
and we're gonna pick one to do for the pep rally.
I've asked Blaine and Artie to give us a little taste of what we're looking for.
This one's for you, Brittany.
♪ You don't understand ♪
♪ I'm so glad we're at the same place at the same time ♪
♪ it's over now ♪
♪ I spotted you dancin' ♪
♪ You made all the boys stare ♪
- ♪ Those lips and your brown eyes ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ And the sexy hair;
- ♪ I should shake my thing ♪ - [ Blaine Moans]
♪ I make the world want you ♪
♪ Tell your girls you'll be back ♪
♪ I want to see what you can do ♪
♪ What would it take for you to just leave with me? ♪
♪ Not trying to sound conceited ♪
♪ Me and you were meant to be ♪
♪ You're a sexy girl, I'm a nice guy;
♪ Let's turn this dance floor into our own little nasty world ♪
♪ if I was your boyfriend ♪
♪ Sometimes a girl just needs one ♪
♪ Keep you on my arm, girl ♪
♪ To love her and to hold ♪
♪ I can be a gentleman ♪
♪ And when a girl is with one ♪
♪ if I was your boyfriend ♪
♪ Then she's in control ♪
♪ if I was your boyfriend ♪
♪ So give me a chance ♪
♪ 'Cause you're all I need, girl;
♪ Spend a week with your boy, I'll be calling you my girlfriend ♪
- ♪ If I was your man ♪ - ♪ If I was your man ♪
♪ I'd never leave you, girl ♪
♪ I just want to love and treat you right; ♪ if I was your boyfriend ♪
♪ Na na na, na na na, yeah ♪
♪ if I was your boyfriend ♪
♪ Na na na, na na na;
♪ Na na, he'!' ♪
♪ Na na na, na na na;
♪ if I was your boyfriend ♪
- ♪ Can't live with 'em ♪ - ♪ Can't live without 'em ♪♪
[Applauding, Cheering ]
So, Britt, what'd you think?
I'm once again inspired by the awesomeness of Britney.
Thanks, Mr. Schue. [Bicycle Bell Jingles ]
This place is enormous!
For 1,800 bucks a month, we could get a shoe box in Manhattan...
or this hangar in Bushwick.
But what's the crime rate like in this neighborhood? Looks a little shady.
Ah, it's better than Detroit and Damascus.
[ Laughing ] So what do you think? Should we take it?
Are you crazy? Living here with you instead of those dorms?
It's heaven!
Oh, New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's.
It's the water.
So have you heard from Finn at all?
Not since you asked me yesterday.
He's just giving you your space. I know.
- You want to feel nostalgic? - Mmm.
Blaine said they're doing Britney Spears again in Glee Club.
Oh, my God. It feels like such a long time ago since we've been in the choir room.
We are living in the future, Rachel.
Speaking of which, my plan. Okay.
I'm gonna re-audition for second semester in NYADA. Good.
In the meantime, I've applied for a job at the only place I feel...
will truly appreciate my sense of style and sophistication- Vogue.com.
Perfect. I know it sounds crazy,
but in a way I'm almost glad I didn't make it my first try.
You know, I-I've really learned a lot about myself over the last couple months.
I feel like I have a-a newfound resilience and focus.
I could really use some of that right now. My dance teacher, she just won't let up on me.
The other day, she told me I wasn't sexy enough.
Maybe you shouldn't wear a bra to your next class.
And take all of the attention away from the Ms. Cassie July? She'd flip.
I can't stand her.
Cassie July is your dance teacher? As in the Cassie July?
A.k.a. Crazy July, a.k.a. the biggest train wreck in Broadway history?
- What? - You don't know her story?
[ Audience Applauding ] [ Kurt ] Cassie July was the “it” girl 10 years ago.
She scored the coveted role of temptress Lola...
in a high-profile revival of Damn Yankees.
- [ Cell Phone Ringing ] - Then, during the first preview of the out-of-town tryout-
Stop. Stop. Stop the music! ♪♪ [Orchestra Stops]
- [ Ringing Continues] - Whose cell phone is that?
I am not going on until this rude person leaves.
This performance is over until you leave!
- [ Ringing Continues] - Come here.
Come here, old man. Give it to me, old man!
You want it? You want your phone?
Yeah!
No wonder she's always just so angry.
You can't give in to her. Not ever. You have to keep fighting.
If she wants sexy, give her sexy.
[School Bell Rings]
So here's the deal.
We're both new girls here, and new girls need to stick together.
Cool. First order of bestie business- boys.
Who've you got your eye on? Jake's kind of cute.
Oh, honey, no. Bad seed.
Come on. He's an artist. You mean pickup artist.
Marley, everywhere you go in this school,
you see wreckage of girls' hearts who thought the same thing as you.
And he's only been in this school for two weeks!
He's even been known to troll the girls' gym class.
Uh-uh. Let me be clear. He's a womanizer.
J." f Dance j
♪ Superstar, where you from? ♪
♪ How's it going? ♪
♪ I know you got a clue what you're doing ♪
♪ You can play brand-new to all the other chicks out here ♪
♪ But I know what you are What you are ♪
♪ Baby A'
♪ Look at you A'
♪ Gettin' more than just a re-up ♪
♪ Baby, you got all the puppets with their strings up ♪
♪ Faking like a good one ♪
♪ But I call 'em like I see 'em ♪
♪ I know what you are What you are, baby;
♪ Womanizer Woman-Womanizer ♪
♪ You're a womanizer;
♪ Oh, womanizer;
♪ Oh, you're a womanizer, baby ♪
♪ You, you, you are You, you, you are ♪
♪ Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer ♪
[ Low, Electronic Voice ] ♪ Womanizer ♪
♪ Boy, don't try to front;
♪ I-l know just-just what you are-are-are ♪
♪ Boy, don't try to front;
♪ I-l know just-just what you are-are-are ♪
- ♪ You ♪ n!' You got me goin' ♪
- ♪ You ♪ - ♪ You're, oh, so charming ♪
♪ You ♪ ♪ But I can't do it;
♪ You ♪ ♪ You womanizer;
♪ Boy, don't try to front I-l know just-just what you are ♪
♪ I know who you are ♪ ♪ Boy, don't try to front;
♪ I-l know just-just what you are-are-are ♪
♪ You ♪ ♪ You say I'm crazy'? A'
♪ You ♪ ♪ I got your crazy ♪
♪ You ♪ ♪ You're nothing but a ♪
♪ You ♪ ♪ Womanizer ♪
♪ Maybe if we both lived in a different world ♪
♪ Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer ♪
:No:
♪ It would be all good ♪
♪ And maybe I could be your girl ♪
♪ But I can't, 'cause we don't ♪
♪ You ♪ ♪ Womanizer ♪
♪ Woman-Womanizer You're a womanizer;
♪ Oh, womanizer Oh, you're a womanizer, baby;
♪ You, you-you are You, you-you are ♪
♪ Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer ♪
[ Low Electronic Voice ] ♪ Womanizer ♪
♪ Boy, don't try to front Don't try ♪
- ♪ L-l know just-just what you are are-are ♪ - ♪ I know;
- ♪ Boy, don't try to front ♪ - ♪ Don't you try ♪
- ♪ You ♪ - ♪ You got me going ♪
-;You; -;Yea; -; But I can't do it;
♪ You ♪ ♪ You womanizer;
- ♪ Boy, don't try to front ♪ - ♪ I know just who you are ♪
♪ Who-Who you are ♪
♪ You say I'm crazy I got your crazy ♪
- ♪ You ♪ - ♪ You're nothing but a ♪
- ♪ You ♪ - ♪ Womanizer;
♪ Yea ' ♪
We should hang out sometime.
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Girl. Uh-uh.
[ Exhales]
♪♪ F Headphones: Pop j Ninety-four. Ninety-five.
Ninety-six. Ninety-seven.
Hey, Brody!
Hey! Hey, Rachel.
- 200,000. - [ Laughs]
Hey, I miss seeing you in the showers.
I kinda need to ask you a favor. Okay.
So, Cassie said that I, uh, wasn't sexy.
You're crazy sexy.
No, um, I'm not, but, uh, I'd really love it if you would dance with me.
'Cause there aren't enough guys in my class-
Cassie doesn't allow upperclassmen to perform in her class.
She would have a fit. Got it. Got it. Sorry.
Which is why it would be so much fun to do it.
♪ One, two, three Not only you and me ♪
♪ Got 180 degrees ♪
♪ And I'm caught 'm between countin' one, two, three ♪
♪ Peter, Paul and Mary getting down with 3P ♪
♪ Everybody loves counting ♪
♪ Three is a charm Two is not the same ♪
♪ I don't see the harm So are you game? ♪
♪ Let's make a team Make 'em say my name ♪
♪ Love 'm the extreme Now are you game'? ♪
♪ Are you in? ♪
♪ Living in sin is the new thing ♪
♪ Are you in? ♪
♪ I am counting ♪
♪ One, two, three Not only you and me ♪
♪ Got 180 degrees ♪
♪ And I'm caught in between counting one, two, three ♪
♪ Peter, Paul and Mary getting down with 3P ♪
♪ Everybody loves counting ♪
♪ What we do is innocent ♪
♪ Just for fun and nothing meant;
♪ If you don't like the company ♪
♪ Let's just do it, you and me ♪
♪ Or three ♪
♪ Or {our ♪
- ♪ On the floor; up; [ Harmonizing ]
♪ On the floor; ♪ On the floor;
♪ One, two, three Not only you and me ♪
♪ Got 180 degrees ♪
♪ And I'm caught in between counting one, two, three ♪
♪ Peter, Paul and Mary getting down with 3P ♪
♪ Everybody loves counting ♪
- 3 One, two, “wee 3 - 3 One, two, three 3
♪ Peter, Paul and Mary getting down with 3P ♪
♪ Everybody loves counting ♪♪
- [ Buzzing ] - [ Screams ]
- What are you doing? - Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony.
If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all.
- [ Buzzing ] - No! - No!
Brittany S. Pierce.
What do you say to reports you've gone off the rails?
Leave me alone, J.B.l.!
What's going on in your head right now? Leave me alone, J.B.l.!
Wh-What are you thinking? There's no comment!
Just talk to me! Leave me alone!
-[Jacob] Are you getting this? - [ Shutter Clicks ]
[ Shouting, Yelling ] Should we do something?
- There's your camera! - No. He deserves it.
I meant about Brittany's downward spiral.
I think the whole singing-at-her thing isn't really helping.
Probably what she misses most about Cheerios is being in the spotlight.
[ Brittany Yelling ] We should give her that.
[Screaming ] Leave her alone!
Leave Brittany alone! [ Sobbing ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No scootering in the hallway.
And Mr. McCarthy's physiology class is the other direction.
I'm protesting that class on religious grounds.
They make you dissect a pig, and I'm kosher.
What about English and algebra and gym?
I looked at your file. Seems like you're not attending them either.
Why are you on my back? I'm not one of your students. I'm not in Glee Club.
And that was my mistake.
No, thanks. I'm not looking to change.
Your brother was a train wreck, worse than you.
But even at his worst, he had a community.
He had friends.
I don't need friends.
[ Exhales] [School Bell Rings]
I almost didn't come. The other girls told me I was crazy for even bothering.
- You think they're right? - I think you're a guy who got hurt.
And I think the hair and the guitar and the jacket are all walls for that.
Well, y-you think too much.
At all my other schools, I was picked on.
I tried so hard to be what I thought they wanted me to be.
Just made it worse.
For the first time at this school, I feel like I can just...
be.
Glee Club is so lame.
What does Shyster have you guys singing?
It's Britney Spears week.
Yeah, see, I prefer music that uses actual instruments.
- Well, you haven't heard my version yet. - What song is it?
“You Drive Me Crazy.”
- I know I do. - [ Snickers ]
♪♪ [ Guitar]
♪ Baby, I'm so into you ♪
♪ You got that something What can I do? ♪
♪ Baby, you spin me around ♪
♪ The earth is moving, but I can't feel the ground ♪
♪ Oh, that kind of lovin' ♪
♪ Turns a man to a slave ♪
♪ Oh-Oh-oh ♪
♪ That kind of lovin' ♪
♪ Sends a man right to his grave ♪
♪ You know I'm ♪ [ Both ] ♪ Crazy ♪
♪ Crazy ♪
♪ Crazy for you, baby ♪
♪ Crazy ♪
♪ Crazy for you, baby ♪
♪ Tell me ♪
♪ You're so into me ♪
♪ That I'm the only one you will see ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'm not in the blue;
♪ Oh-Oh ♪
♪ That I'm not wastin' my feelings on you ♪
♪ Every time ♪
♪ I look at you ♪
♪ My heart is jumping What can I do? ♪
♪ You drive me crazy;
♪ I just can't sleep ♪ ♪ Crazy;
♪ Crazy ♪
♪ I'm 'm too deep ♪
♪ You know I'm crazy;
♪ But it feels all right; ♪ Crazy;
♪ Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night;
♪ You know I'm crazy;
♪ Crazy 3
♪ For you, baby ♪
♪ Crazy 3
♪ For you, baby ' ♪
You okay?
Yeah. It just got cold up here.
Here.
[ Chuckles ]
[School Bell Rings]
[ Phone Chimes]
Kiki, why is everybody in the Glee Club staring at me?
[ Kiki] Because those fools are jealous.
- Who's Kiki? - Kiki is Siri's super-smart older cousin...
who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten.
She lives inside this super-cheap phone I found at the Laundromat.
What size coffee is that?
Kiki, what size coffee am I drinking?
[ Chimes ] You 're drinking a settanta- 70 ounces of espresso.
[ Brittany] Thank you, Kiki.
- You're the only one I can trust now that Santana's too busy. - We're worried about you.
[ Blaine ] We know how hard it must have felt to get kicked off the Cheerios.
We want to help you get back on your feet and start performing again.
You should be the lead performer at the pep assembly on Friday.
That's great. But there's only one problem. I have to lip-synch.
W-We don't lip-synch in Glee.
Well, my voice is too weak to sing live.
I've been up every night yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.
This sounds like a terrible idea.
We'll record the song in advance.
I'll choreograph an amazing routine...
without having to worry about anybody running out of breath,
and Mr. Schuester will never know the difference.
Lots of performers do this now. Kristen Stewart. James Earl Jones.
[ Phone Chimes]
Kiki, is it a good idea for me to lip-synch at the pep assembly?
It's not a good idea.
It's a great idea. Can I get you another settanta?
[School Bell Rings]
You're late. And dressed like a Walgreens underwear model.
What are you doing here, Brody?
I asked Brody to come in and help me with a little routine.
And you just love helping people, don't you? Especially the ingenues.
And the reason why I'm dressed all Bob Fosse-chic is because I wanted to show you...
that I do have what it takes to be sexy.
Sexy enough to play Evita, Roxie and Charity.
Show me what you've prepared.
Some of the dancers are gonna help out as well. Lights.
♪♪ [ Piano]
♪ I think I did it again;
♪ I made you believe ♪
♪ We're more than just friends ♪
♪ Oh, baby, it might seem like a crush ♪
♪ But it doesn't mean ♪
♪ That I'm serious ♪
♪ 'Cause to lose all my senses ♪
♪ That is just so typically me ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby A'
♪ You see, my problem is this ♪
♪ I'm dreaming away:
♪ Wishing that heroes, they truly exist ♪
♪ I cry, watching the days ♪
♪ Can't you see I'm a fool ♪
♪ In so many ways? ♪
♪ Oops, I did it again ♪
♪ I played with your heart ♪
♪ Got lost in the game ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby A'
♪ Oops, you think I'm in love ♪
♪ That I'm sent from above ♪
♪ I'm not that innocent;
♪ Oops, I did it again ♪
♪ To your heart ♪
♪ Got lost in this game Oh, baby ♪
♪ GODS, you think;
♪ That I'm sent from above ♪
♪ I'm not that innocent;
♪ Oops, I did it again I played with your heart ♪
♪ Got lost in the game ♪
♪ Oh-ohh-ohh ♪
♪ Oops, think I'm in love ♪
♪ That I'm sent from above ♪
♪ I'm not that innocent ♪♪
So what do you think, Ms. July?
Am I ready to learn the tango?
Look, you can memorize a routine. So what?
- Rachel was incredible. - You were incredible.
She was okay. And that song? Garbage. Whose idea was that?
You want truth? Fine. Maria Von Trapp. Willy Loman. Shrek.
Those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal.
You're just jealous of me.
- Of all of us. - Rachel, don't.
No, because we have our entire careers ahead of us,
and yours ended before it even began.
We're the future, and you're just some YouTube joke.
You're done. Get out of my class.
Get out of my class! Out!
[ School Bell Rings ]
- Is that all I get, Jumbo? - Why so stingy?
- They must let you eat all those leftovers, huh? - Quit it. That's my mom.
Whoa! You came out of that?
Were you an only child, or do you have a twin who's still in there?
- [ Snickering ] - Dude, imagine the size of her dumps.
Enough. Say you're sorry. To both of them.
You know what? Screw it.
[Grunting, Shouting ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on, tough guy! You're coming with me.
In. [Sighs]
This is garbage. Those guys suck, and I'm the one being dragged to see Figgins?
I'm not taking you to see Figgins. He's taking you to see me.
Jake Puckerman, I'd like to introduce you to your brother, Noah.
I'll leave you two alone.
You look more like Dad than I do.
He never told me about you when I was a kid,
but I do remember my mom and dad arguing about a baby and some slut waitress.
That would be my mom.
Schuester called you to come and straighten me out.
You're wasting your time. I'm fine.
And you are not my brother.
You think you're a badass?
Nailing a bunch of chicks, beating up some punks in the cafeteria?
I'm the original badass.
I had my first threesome at seven, and once I beat up a police horse.
So what, are you gonna kick my ass if I don't get myself together?
I know what it feels like to be scared that you're not important...
or smart or worth anything.
We had the same dad, bro.
I know what it feels like to spend all day...
trying to prove something to someone who's never gonna give two craps about you.
I rode my motorcycle, I played my ax,
I banged every chick in this place twice.
And you know what? None of it made me a man.
What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated...
next to the biggest collection of losers you've ever seen.
Them and Mr. Schue made me a man.
And if you come in here, it'll make you one too.
Think about it for a couple days.
I got to get back to L.A.
I got a date with the chick who was third runner-up on The Bachelor.
One thing.
Whether you join Glee Club or not, you're my brother.
[ Feedback ] [ Thumping Microphone]
Quiet, please, children.
Shh.
Welcome, children, to McKinley High's annual fall assembly,
where we gather to celebrate teen pep.
Before we begin, a few announcements.
First and foremost,
I wish to address the rumor...
that I like to be milked like a cow...
because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk.
That rumor is untrue.
And now, without further ado,
it's time for a performance of music to be enjoyed by all.
Brittany, shouldn't you be stretching or... warming up or something?
Do you need a baby wipe? You have Cheeto hands and Cheeto mouth.
- I'm fine, thank you. - [ Sighs ]
It is my honor to introduce McKinley High's New Directions!
[Applause ]
It's Britney, bitch. ♪♪ [ Dance]
♪ I see you ♪
♪ And I just wanna dance with you ♪
[ Chuckling ]
♪ Every time they turn the lights down ♪
♪ Just wanna go that extra mile for you ♪
- ♪ You got me ♪ - ♪ My display of affection ♪
♪ Feels like no one else in the room ♪
- ♪ But you ♪ - ♪ We can get down ♪
♪ Like there's no one around ♪
- ♪ We keep on rockin' ♪ - [Whispering ] ♪ We keep on rockin' ♪
♪ We keep on rockin' ♪
♪ Oh, are you'? A'
♪ Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing ♪
♪ They keep watching ♪ ♪ They keep watching ♪
♪ Feels like the crowd is saying ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme more, gimme more ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme more;
♪ Gimme, gimme more, gimme, gimme;
♪ Gimme more, gimme, gimme more, gimme more;
♪ Gimme, gimme more;
♪ Gimme, gimme;
They're lip-synching!
♪ accuse!
- ♪ I just can't ♪ - [ Students Booing, Jeering ]
♪ Control myself ♪
:0“:
♪ They want more? ♪
♪ Well, I'll give them more ♪♪
♪♪ f Ends j [ Booing, Jeering Continue ]
In the 58-year history of the William McKinley High School Glee Club,
there has never been such a debacle!
We do not lip-synch ever!
We're sorry, Mr. Schue. We were just trying to help Brittany out.
Lip-synching is the equivalent of blood doping in professional sports!
Every gain we've made in the last three years has been wiped out.
And I'm not just talking about our reputation here at McKinley.
If the National Show Choir Board of Review gets wind of this,
we could be barred from competing.
What do you have to say for yourself, Brittany?
To quote the legend herself,
“If I met me, I would say a quick hello...
and then think I was a really nice girl.”
And I resign from Glee Club, effective immediately.
I'm working.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
All those things that I said to you,
they were completely wrong a-a-and out of line.
I felt like you were picking on me for no reason.
Stop... talking.
[ Groans ] Look.
You lost it and you lashed out,
same as I did 10 years ago.
Except all it took for you to snap was a little honest feedback...
in, excuse me, dance class.
And you expect to make it on Broadway,
where all there is is scrutiny and judgment?
I'm really sorry-
And what if someone taped your little outburst...
and then posted it on the Internet?
You'd never get cast.
You have one chance.
You screw it up, you're done.
You're that crazy actress.
And why would anybody want to work with you?
Because you're good.
I was great.
But it doesn't make a difference,
'cause I wasn't ready for the pressure.
Believe me, it's a whole lot more vicious out there than it is in here.
That's why I pick on my students.
I want them to be ready.
Well, I-l know that I'm not there yet.
Not even close.
And if I had my choice, I wouldn't let you back in my class.
I don't believe in second chances.
I know they don't exist.
Unfortunately for me,
school policy says you get a warning.
[ Exhales]
So- So you're in.
And on probation and dance belt duty.
Hand-washed, all of them.
You're dismissed, Schwimmer.
Don't forget the hamper on your way out.
Four, five, six, seven.
I got your note to come meet you here. Thanks for drawing the map.
Yeah, I always keep it in my pocket in case someone steals my compass.
Look, I know what you're up to.
The lip-synching, beating up Jacob Ben Israel.
You're intentionally hitting rock bottom.
So I can make a glorious comeback, just like Britney.
I mean, look at her. She got paid $14 million to be on X Factor.
She looks great.
She has an amazing perfume you can smell from miles away.
No matter what happened to her, she just came back stronger.
Right. Consider this the last stop on the Train Wreck Express-
an intervention.
Thank you.
I'm so ready to come back.
I'm just so sad that everybody's so mad at me.
I just think they didn't understand what you were up to.
Hmm. Yeah.
But you did. I think we just think the same.
Yeah, it's probably because we're both blond.
Are you okay? You still seem kind of bummed.
I don't know.
Santana would have understood.
And then she would have used mean words against anyone who got down on me.
You miss her, huh? I just miss the little things.
Like her laugh and the smell of her armpits.
Yes, we had interesting lady sex, but she was also my best friend.
Well, now you have a new friend, and he's blond.
I'm-I'm talking about me.
Now you just gotta figure out a way to get back on the Cheerios.
It's all part of the comeback.
I am here to inform you of your legal requirement...
to restore my high pony and put me back on the Cheerios.
I beg your pardon?
I studied the McKinley High Student Council Charter,
and it says that the senior class president continues his term...
until he or she graduates,
which... I never graduated, so, technically, I'm still president.
I drafted an executive order...
demanding that Brittany S. Pierce be reinstated...
as a member in good standing of the McKinley High Cheerios.
Brittany, take a seat.
This is clearly the plan of an idiot.
But a plan nonetheless, and one that required the barest modicum of human logic...
which, frankly, I thought was beyond you.
If you want to be back on the Cheerios,
I want you to graduate by the end of the year.
That means you're gonna have to turn those grades around. I'm already working on that.
Mr. Schuester eventually realized that my lip-synching was a cry for help...
and wanted to step up and take action.
He and Miss Pillsbury are spending one afternoon a week tutoring me.
Barack Obama. Yes!
Glenn Close.
Oh, good effort, Britt. Baby steps.
I got a C-minus on my U.S. History exam,
which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English...
instead of my secret language I invented in middle school.
Brittany, welcome back.
[ Invented Language]
What do you think?
Am I being too obvious?
He hasn't called you because he loves you, not because he's forgotten about you.
- Your freedom is a gift he's given you. Accept it. - I know.
It's just so much freedom all at once that it's starting to feel like severe loneliness.
The only cure to loneliness is cake.
- [ Gasps ] - There's a great Italian bakery down the street.
- You don't mind going out at night? - Oh, no, it's cool.
If I walk around like a crazy person, yelling and twitching, people keep their distance.
[ Knocking ]
Well, hello there, kind sir.
Hey. Uh, I'm Brody. I'm Kurt.
Hi.
I was just gonna go get some cake.
Uh, I'll- [Whispering ] leave you two alone.
Sorry.
Wow. [ Giggles ]
- This is huge! - Yeah.
Too bad it took me 45 minutes on the train to get here.
I've lived here for three years, and I didn't even know there was a “J” train.
Wait, you took the train for 45 minutes just to come and see me?
Yep.
Sandwiched between some guy who said he was Jesus...
and two German tourists who were very lost.
But I came here to give you this orchid.
Apparently, it's good luck in a new place.
And they're kind of sexy, for a plant.
Thank you. I think it should go-
Oh, and I, uh- I wanted to tell you something that didn't feel appropriate over text.
What?
That I- I really liked dancing with you.
And I think that you- I think that you're really sexy.
And- Oh.
I can't.
I think you are amazing and- and-
and very, very, very sexy-
I just-
You're still in love with your boyfriend.
Here's the thing. I- I will respect your boundaries.
But just know that...
when we're together, whatever we're talking about, whatever we're doing,
I'm thinking of kissing you.
Enjoy the orchid.
[ Door Slides Closed ]
[School Bell Rings]
Uh, you think I could sit next to you in Glee Club?
I don't know anybody else.
You're going to join?
I didn't realize I had that powerful of an effect on you.
It wasn't you.
Well, it-it helped. I just- [ Sighs ] I don't know.
I get these feelings sometimes to punch someone or steal a cop car or kiss someone,
and I hear Glee Club might help them go away.
Even though it totally sucks balls.
I promise, it's not that bad.
Just stick with me, and I'll help you get through it.
Mmm.
It's nice to have a friend looking out for me.
Well, I owe you for what you did for my mom.
Oh, I just realized I'm still wearing your jacket.
- Looks pretty good on you. - Bet it looks better on me.
We're dating now. Didn't Jake tell you?
Uh, no, he didn't.
Uh, it's not... really my style to put a label on things.
You two make a great couple.
Bye.
[School Bell Rings]
[ Exhales]
All right.
Okay, let's give a big New Directions welcome to Jake Puckerman.
Hey, dude. Uh, me and your bro were practically best friends.
- Is it weird that I know him a lot better than you? - Welcome, bro.
God made you, and God doesn't make mistakes.
[ Coughs 1
- Mr. Schuester? - Yeah, Marley.
If it's all right, I'd like to sing one last Britney song.
Did that come out this morning? 'Cause we've scraped the bottom of that Britney barrel.
Not exactly. This is one of my favorite songs.
♪ Notice me ♪
♪ Take my hand ♪
♪ Why are we ♪
♪ Strangers when ♪
♪ Our love is strong? ♪
♪ Why carry on without me? ♪
♪ Every time I try to fly I fall ♪
♪ Without my wings I feel so small ♪
♪ I guess I need you, baby;
♪ And every time I see you in my dreams ♪
♪ I see your face ♪
♪ You're haunting me ♪
♪ I guess I need you, baby;
♪ I may have made it rain ♪
♪ Please forgive me ♪
♪ My weakness caused you pain ♪
♪ And this song's my sorry ♪
♪ At night I pray;
♪ That soon your face will fade away ♪
♪ And every time I try to fly I fall ♪
♪ Without my wings I feel so small ♪
♪ I guess I need you, baby;
♪ And every time I see you in my dreams ♪
♪ I see your face ♪
♪ You're haunting me ♪
J I guess I need you, baby♪.
♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]
♪♪ [ Harmonic Vocalizing]
J." I Ends j