Here's what you missed...
Will's wife put the "Terri" in "terrible" relationships.
- So now, she's his ex-wife. - What is wrong with you?
Kurt met this kid, Blaine, who he really likes, and he seems really nice.
But he sings in the glee club at another school. They're called the Warblers.
The Warblers are like rock stars.
Kurt isn't liking his own school at all.
Karofsky's been coming after him, and nobody knows why.
You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Kurt knows why, but he hasn't told anyone.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
[School Bell Rings]
- Morning, Sue. - Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there.
It's Principal Sue. What?
You heard me right.
My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.
What happened to Figgins? You need to start listening to the news, William.
A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo...
where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates...
not unlike your very Glee Club.
But how-how did Figgins get it?
And that's what it means to be an American.
I think I have a fever. Can it.
Now!
[Sneezes]
[Sniffles] 'Sup?
[Whimpers]
So Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?
Through the blackmail of prominent local politicians,
I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract.
My first order of business... destroy the Glee Club.
I thought we were friends.
That got boring.
[Sighs]
[Sneezes, Groans]
[School Bell Rings] [Exhales]
[Thinking] Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher...
constant exposure to illness.
All right, guys, um...
It's time to start thinking about song selections.
I feel like I might have a fever, but it's important that I power through it.
Okay.
I definitely have a fever.
Looking good, Puckerman.
Someone's been eatin' their Wheaties.
[Kisses] These guns are fully loaded.
Mr. Schue, I, for one, think we should use our set list for sectionals...
to start exploring the oeuvre of one Bernadette Peters.
Someday, I'm gonna go to Paris and visit the "Oeuvre."
I just want to dance.
Mr. Schuester, you look a little green.
Um, I think I'm gonna go see the nurse.
But first, I feel like I should get you guys a sitter.
[Woman On TV] At this point, we're going to add any of your aromatics...
[TV Continues, Indistinct]
[Groans]
From here, we're gonna cover the pan until the scallops open up...
I can take care of myself.
Is that why Mrs. Weiss called me from next door?
Because according to her, she's here morning and night.
- Lift your head up. - You're making me feel worse.
- Oh, honey. - [Coughs]
[Terri Sighs]
I'm probably revealing too much, but I do still love you.
And you have to admit, no matter how toxic our marriage was,
I was really good at taking care of you when you were sick.
That's because you like me best when I'm weak.
Maybe. That's what my therapist says.
- You're seeing a therapist? - And I'm medicating too.
[Lisping Baby Voice] Now roll over and pull your pants down...
because we're gonna take baby's temperature.
No.
But baby knows that the only way that we can get an accurate reading...
Stop, Terri.
I don't wanna play "sick baby" with you.
Now get out of here.
[Groans, Coughs]
What are you doing?
Singin' in the Rain. We were together 16 years.
You think I don't remember what movie makes you feel better when you're sick?
[Woman On TV] Another thing to remember... don't overcrowd the pan.
And that is how you steam scallops.
[School Bell Rings]
I am shaking, and it's either from low blood sugar or rage.
I knew it was only a matter of time...
before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club.
Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone...
what solos they'd like to hear me perform at sectionals.
All right! Let me at her!
- ¡Tú eres loca! - [Screaming]
We'll forget all about it tonight at bowling.
I can't. Blaine asked me to hang out.
I've been looking forward to it all week.
Wait. Are you two going out? Because I think you need to come clean.
What? No. I don't want another Jesse-Rachel traitor scenario to overcome.
Please, Mercedes. Mum's the word.
We'll be happy for you. We know how lonely you've been.
Hey, we just hang out. Nothing about Glee Club even ever comes up.
It's just nice to have someone to talk to.
- What is that supposed to mean? - I mean someone like me.
But I promise to make it up to you. We'll hang out Friday night.
[Sizzling, Crackling]
- 'Scuse you. Watch out. - [Kurt] She's just hungry.
Whoa, whoa. Couple more. Thanks.
So what are we gonna do about Glee Club while Mr. Schue is sick?
I have an idea. Have you met the new Spanish teacher?
[Woman Narrating] It's not easy being a substitute teacher.
Kids feel like they get the day off.
They'll goof off,
egg your car, cut class...
break into your car, throw spitballs, put an alligator in your car.
And I don't even have a nice car.
[Speaking Spanish]
So I try to relate to the kids...
[Repeating In Spanish] Listen to what they have to say, make it fun for them.
[Repeating In Spanish]
Because I'm the cure for the common class.
Excuse me. Miss Holliday, a word?
I understand that you are subbing for Mr. Schuester's Spanish class,
and I was wondering if you might not want to take over his Glee Club duties as well.
What makes you think I know the first thing about Glee Club?
You subbed for my English class last week, and you were extraordinary.
♪♪ [Band: Jazzy]
♪ Conjunction Junction ♪
♪ What's your function ♪
♪ Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses ♪
♪ Conjunction Junction ♪
♪ What's your function ♪
♪ Hookin' up cars and makin' 'em function ♪
♪♪ [Chorus Continues] Are you on anything?
'Cause this is trippy.
You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.
Miss Holliday, we are floundering.
Won't you please take over Glee Club?
I thought you'd never ask.
Yeah!
Muchas gracias. [Laughs]
[School Bell Rings]
- Dude, what are you doing? - Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor.
But sectionals is, like, two weeks from now.
Hey, Gigantor. We're all gonna swap names, yo!
Did I hear something about a substitu... [Yelps]
[Puckerman] Yes! It works!
[Exhales]
Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent.
I'm fine. [Laughing]
- What da hell? - Hola, clase.
Nothin' says "Bienvenidos" quite like a buttered floor.
- [Yelps] - [Laughter]
Let's start with some introductions.
My name is Holly Holliday. What's yours? Go!
I'm Finn Hudson. I'm quarterback of the football team.
I'm Rachel Berry... his loud, loud girlfriend.
I'm Mike Chang.
- Those aren't your names. You know why I know that? - You're psychic?
I know this because I recently watched a video of you guys performing at regionals...
where you came in last.
Maybe it's because the songs were about 30 years old, but...
- Those songs are classics. - Those songs are amazing.
But they sounded like somebody else's favorite songs, not yours.
- [Clicks Tongue] Just sayin'. - She speaks the truth.
I'm not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher.
I want you guys to do things that you want to do.
I want you to have fun in our fabulous but fleeting time together.
- What do you say we have class outside today? - It's raining outside.
- Then let's take a field trip to Taco Bell. - Oh, yeah!
Should we toke up some medical-grade marijuana?
- I wish. - [All Laughing]
It's really hard not to like this woman.
Okay. No, we can't just goof off all day.
We have to write a set list for sectionals.
You're right. What songs would you like to do?
Oh. Don't get asked that question much, do we?
Miss Holliday's right. Mr. Schuester's set list...
sometimes seems like he hasn't listened to the radio since the '80s.
He never listens to what I have to say.
Mr. Schue, can we do that new Cee Lo song, "Forget You"?
Uh, no. Come on, guys.
There's gotta be a Journey song we haven't done yet.
Cee Lo!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
- [Others Exclaim] Yeah! - [Girl] Snap.
Excuse me. What would you know about Cee Lo?
- 'Cause you're, like, 40. - Top 40, sweet cheeks.
- Hit it! - ♪♪ [Up-tempo]
♪ I see you drive around town with the guy I love ♪
- ♪ And I'm, like, forget you ♪ - ♪ Hooh-ooh ♪
♪ I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough ♪
- ♪ I'm, like, forget you ♪ - ♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm sorry I can't afford a Ferrari ♪
♪ But that don't mean I can't get you there ♪
♪ I guess she's an Xbox and I'm more an Atari ♪
♪ But the way you play your game ain't fair ♪
♪ I pity the fool ♪
♪ That falls in love with you ♪
♪ Ooh, she's a gold digger ♪
- ♪ Well ♪ - ♪ Just thought you should know it ♪
♪ Hooh, hooh-ooh ♪
♪ I got some news for you ♪
♪ Yeah, go run and tell your little girlfriend ♪
♪ I see you drive around town with the guy I love ♪
- ♪ And I'm, like, forget you ♪ - ♪ Whooh-ooh ♪
♪ I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough ♪
♪ I'm, like, forget you ♪
♪ And forget him too ♪
♪ Said, if I was richer ♪
♪ I'd still be with ya ♪
- ♪ Huh, now ain't that some sh... ♪ - ♪ Ain't that some sh... ♪
♪ Now though there's pain in my chest ♪
♪ I still wish you the best ♪
♪ With a forget you ♪
[Chorus] ♪ Whoo-hoo, ooh ♪
♪ Now, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ Why do you wanna wanna hurt me so bad ♪
- ♪ So bad, so bad ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I tried to tell my mama but she told me ♪
♪ This is one for your dad ♪
- ♪ Your dad ♪ - ♪ Yes, she did ♪
♪ Yes, she did ♪
- ♪ Why ♪ - ♪ Uh ♪
♪ Why, ba-a-baby ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I still love you ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I see you drive around town with the guy I love ♪
- ♪ And I'm, like, forget you ♪ - ♪ Forget you ♪
♪ I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough ♪
♪ I'm, like, forget you ♪
♪ And forget him too ♪
♪ Said, if I was richer I'd still be with ya ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Huh, now ain't that some sh... ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best ♪
- ♪ Wish you the best ♪ - ♪ With a forget you ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo, hoo-hoo ♪♪
[Exclaiming, Cheering]
Let's go get some tacos! Yeah!
[School Bell Rings] This is not up for discussion, fellas.
You do not spray athlete's foot medicine in your teammates' eyes.
Come on!
Can I help you, Sue? Principal Sue.
And I'm here to inform you that, effective 4:00 p.m. Today,
the football team is officially disbanded.
Well, if you're cuttin' the football team, who are your Cheerios gonna cheer for?
I will get back to you on all of this later.
[Door Closes] No.
[Thinking] Humiliation.
Bested by the Beiste... less than 24 hours after my plan...
to replace all chairs in the school with sharp poles was thwarted.
A resounding defeat in my war against sitting.
The reality is I'm a champion,
and once I get power, I do not let it go.
I need a cause.
That's it!
Becky, get your fanny in here and bring your pad.
- Yes, Coach? - Becky, take a memo.
I'm banning potater tots.
Outstanding.
Mr. Schue! So glad you're better.
We can't win sectionals without you.
Mike, I know. Now I'm gonna run through a number here.
- After a bit, I want you to join in. Got it? - Got it.
All right.
♪♪ [Piano] Though the world is full of a number of things...
I'm sure we should all be as happy as...
- But are we? No. - ♪♪ [Banging, Discordant]
Definitely, no. Positively, no!
Decidedly, no! Uh-uh.
♪♪ [Piano]
Short people have long faces,
and long people have short faces.
Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all.
And in the words of that immortal god, Samuel J. Snodgrass,
as he was about to be led to the guillotine...
♪ Make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh ♪
♪ Don't you know everyone wants to laugh, ha-ha ♪
♪ My dad said Be an actor, my son ♪
♪ But be a comical one ♪
♪ They'll be standin' in lines ♪
♪ For those old honky-tonk monkeyshines ♪
♪ Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite ♪
♪ And you can charm the critics and have nothin' to eat ♪
♪ Just slip on a banana peel The world's at your feet ♪
♪ Make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh ♪
♪ Make 'em... Make 'em laugh ♪
♪ Don't you know everyone wants to laugh ♪
♪ My grandpa said Go out and tell 'em a joke ♪
♪ But give it plenty of hoke ♪
♪ Make 'em roar Make 'em scream ♪
♪ Take a fall, butt a wall Split a seam ♪
♪ You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace ♪
♪ You wiggle till they're gigglin' all over the place ♪
♪ And then you get a great big custard pie in the face ♪
♪ Make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh ♪
♪ Make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh ♪
♪ Don't you know everyone wants to laugh ♪
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ Make 'em laugh ♪ Ha-ha!
♪ Make 'em laugh ♪ Ha, ha, ha!
♪ Make 'em laugh ♪
♪ Make 'em laugh ♪♪
[Doorbell Buzzing] [Gasping]
I don't understand who gave her the authority to take over Glee Club.
[Muffled, Indistinct]
What?
I was doing a fine job of running Glee in your absence.
And then Kurt, jealous, asked her to take over.
I'm not too worried about her, Rachel.
[Blows Nose]
I really appreciate your concern, but- [Exhales]
I'm not worried about someone coming in and usurping me.
You kids love me. [Coughs]
Sue doesn't.
You know what's so nice, is having someone fun at this school.
[Man On TV, Indistinct]
Mmm! We're back. Okay.
Hoarders is great, but- [Together] Animal Hoarders isbetter.
[Both Laughing]
Hoarders and red wine.
♪ I'm buzzed ♪
You have to get well, Mr. Schuester.
Because every day you're here, she's there.
And it becomes more and more likely that she's gonna start running the Glee Club...
and you're gonna become the substitute.
[Door Opens, Closes]
[Sighs]
[School Bell Rings] We have to get there early on Friday.
It's league night for little people.
They'll buy up all the small shoes if they get there first.
I totally forgot. Greg Evigan is starring in Rent at the Community Playhouse,
and Blaine got us tickets.
"Us" as in "all of us"?
I think he could only score two.
Wait. Where do you think you're going with those?
- Principal Sue banned the tots. - She can't do that!
They look like deep-fried deer poop.
Take it up with Principal Sue.
I'll get you some... Okay. [Scoffs]
[School Bell Rings]
Why did you take away our tots?
- You don't have an appointment. - It's all right.
Jackée, I am like my idol, Richard Milhous Nixon...
regarded in his time as petty, corrupt and venal.
He actually always had the best interests of his people in mind.
And also like Richard Nixon,
I'm obliged to inform you that this conversation is being recorded.
I want my tots.
Nutrition is abysmal at this school.
- You know what this is? - Toilet brush.
It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper,
thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of Gummi Bears lived.
I am declaring a war on junk food.
I'm getting my tots back.
Becky. That can't happen again. Keep 'em out.
Roger that. Thank you, Coach.
[School Bell Rings]
- Hey, Rachel. - Hello, Miss Holliday.
I'd like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttocks...
from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs.
I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today.
Rachel, you suck.
Oh, my God. You're, like, a total drag.
Has anyone ever told you that?
- I have. - Oh, Puckerman.
Here are the answers to the pop quiz I'll be giving in Spanish class later.
It is so boring in there.
- Thanks, Miss H. - Righteous. Mmm!
Maybe I should be more like you... all fun... and just forget about the consequences.
Frankly, yes, you should. I mean, at least sometimes.
When is the last time that you did something...
just because you thought it would be a blast?
Take Glee Club. I mean, you have all these great ideas.
When is the last time you actually did one of them?
Mr. Schue can be a little tightfisted with song selection, but-
I would like to do something a little bit more upbeat...
and glamorous with a good dance beat.
Sounds reasonable to me. Have you asked?
Mr. Schuester, I want to do more of an upbeat,
glamorous song with a really good dance beat.
No, but I have good news.
I found a Journey song we haven't done yet.
Rachel, I used to be just like you...
trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight.
What happened?
I got punched in the face. Anyway...
Why don't you let me know the name...
of this upbeat, glamorous song with the nice dance beat?
Because, hot stuff, you are doin' it in Glee Club.
I kind of need a partner to do the song I wanted.
I thought you'd never ask. It's kind of my catchphrase.
[School Bell Rings]
So, what meds are you on?
Um, antidepressants. And antianxiety when I need them.
Are you happy?
I think I feel like, for the first time, maybe I could be happy.
How about you?
Happy? Um. Yeah.
If I'm gonna be honest, no.
I still feel like I'm searching for something.
Here. Some more.
Thanks, Terri.
[Chuckles] Baby likes his soup.
You know, I remember something else that baby loves a lot.
Okay.
Rub-in menthol.
I love that stuff. I know you do.
Take your shirt off, lie on your stomach. What?
Um... What? I'm not gonna kill you.
It'll make you feel better. All right.
Here.
[Moans]
Don't.
I don't wanna get you sick.
I don't care.
[School Bell Rings]
Look at this crap. Foam fish sticks?
Principal Sylvester is only serving predigested food now... to give us more energy.
Do I look like a damn baby bird?
Don't fret your culinary disappointments. I come bearing gifts.
- You brought tots? - Better. I've set you up on a date.
I get it. My new budding friendship with Blaine...
is making you feel left out, jealous.
Who's the guy? Anthony Rashad.
Hmm? Hmm?
Why him? No reason.
So it has nothing to do with the fact...
that he's one of the five black guys at this school.
No. He is a wide receiver on the football team.
He is very good-Iooking,
and he is a member of the Black Student Union.
Any nonblack activities?
I don't know. My Google search was a little...
I can't take this anymore. Mercedes, trust me.
Love is just around the corner.
'Sup, homo?
- That's not what I'm talkin' about. - [Marker Clatters]
- Tots! - Oh, my God!
[Kids Chanting] Tots! Tots! Tots!
[Chanting Continues]
So, the tots wars have begun, Becky.
♪ You can like the life you're living ♪
- ♪ You can live the life you like ♪ - [Mouthing Words]
♪ You can even marry Harry ♪
♪ But mess around with Ike ♪
♪ And that's good ♪
♪ Isn't it grand ♪
♪ Isn't it great ♪
♪ Isn't it swell ♪
♪ Isn't it fun Isn't it ♪
♪ But nothing stays ♪
♪ In fifty years or so ♪
♪ It's gonna change you know ♪
♪ But, oh, it's heaven ♪
♪ Nowadays ♪
- ♪♪ [Up-tempo] - [Cheering]
[Shouts]
[Cheering]
[Kids Cheering]
♪ And all ♪
♪ That ♪
♪♪ [Drums, Rapid-fire]
♪ Jazz ♪♪
[Cheering, Applauding]
- [School Bell Rings] - [Coughing]
Hey, buddy, you look terrible.
You should be home in bed. There's no reason for you to be here.
The kids need me.
No, literally. There's no reason for you to be here.
The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I.
I gotta be honest with you, Will.
A lot of it's the hair thing.
In fact, right now, I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market...
as a tiny full-length shearling coat...
for only the most fashionable of premature babies.
[Sighs] I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back.
That's not gonna happen.
The school board has been just flooded with e-mails...
from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches.
Figgins has been fired, and I've been formally offered the position.
So why don't you go home,
rest, watch some TV, die.
It doesn't matter. 'Cause you know what?
As my first official act as full-time principal,
you are fired.
I'm just saying that drunk people who get married to someone...
they met an hour ago... by an Elvis impersonator...
that's a bigger insult to marriage than two gay guys getting hitched.
Totally. It's, like, if marriage is so sacred, they should just outlaw divorce.
Right. Right. What do you think, Mercedes?
Oh, about "don't ask, don't tell"?
- No, we're on Prop 8 now. - Totally for it.
- Against it. - All right.
I'm sorry. I kind of just blanked out.
Don't apologize. We should talk about stuff that you're interested in too.
I know. Let's play a game. On the count of three,
name your favorite 2010 Vogue cover.
You ready? One, two, three!
[Together] Marion Cotillard!
- Oh, my God! Stop it! - Yes!
- She's amazing. Amazing. - Amazing. Amazing.
- Gay. - Gay.
- Gay, gay, gay. - Gay. Gay.
[Blaine] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Oh, my gosh. I open my mouth, and a little purse falls out.
- That's so gay. - How did that get in there?
[Kurt] Mercedes?
Mercedes.
I was just talking about the Buckeyes.
I'm a college football fan. I like sports too, you know.
Way to break the stereotype.
Excuse me. I know it's not on your menu,
- but I was wondering if you guys had... - You want some tots.
You kids must go to McKinley.
So what were we talking about?
Has anyone read Patti LuPone's new book?
I'm kidding. Of course I have.
You scared me so much there.
[Both Chattering Excitedly]
- [School Bell Rings] - Nice job, band dudes.
Feels like the sun is shining in here.
[Will] And the body's still warm.
Hi. I'm Will Schuester.
And this is my choir room.
I'm sorry we had to meet like this.
The kids really love you. You must be a great teacher.
You don't believe that. If you did, you wouldn't have taken my job so easily.
Guys, you wanna take five?
You wanna have this conversation, let's have it.
You're a substitute.
Of course you can paint murals and let the kids sing whatever they want.
You're never around when they have to deal with the hangover of all that fun.
Sixteen percent of all high school students dropped out last year.
We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention.
These kids feel special. They have a voice.
If we don't listen to it, they just tune us out.
I give my kids a voice. I just don't let it run free.
I'm the teacher. It's my job to know more than they do.
Right. But you don't know more about what they care about the most... themselves.
These kids get bored, they change their Facebook status.
They're entitled to have all of these emotions.
Not only that, they're entitled for the world to care about them.
That's what this generation is about.
A great teacher is supposed to show them...
there are other points of view besides their own.
Okay, fine. What do you do when a kid does something really great in your class?
- Praise them. - I tweet them about it right there and then.
And for those 30 seconds, I know that that kid has a connection with me.
[Scoffing]
[Exhales]
Look, it's a terrible economy,
and good teaching jobs are hard enough to get, let alone one in the arts.
I just-
I'm sorry, but I... I can't turn this opportunity down.
[School Bell Rings]
You want to tell Ms. Holliday why we're here?
You remember when I asked to be excused from class?
May I be excused? I'm gonna go shove some tots...
up the tailpipe of Coach Sylvester's car.
Sure.
I told her not to touch my tots.
You did $17,000 worth of damage.
I drive a very rare and desirable automobile, ladies,
prized by collectors for its peerless grace among vintage European sports cars,
one of out seven in existence... the 1979 Le Car.
You know how many hours it took to find a mechanic who even knew what a Le Car was?
She's your student. Love to hear what you suggest as punishment.
I was gonna suggest clapping erasers...
but you guys are mostly dry erase here, so...
You know what you might not find so funny, Mercedes,
is that tampering with an automobile's exhaust is a felony.
And you can rest assured that I and my attorney, Gloria Allred,
will be pressing charges.
So... am I going to jail?
- Undetermined. - Great.
Get the hell outta my office.
You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, do you?
No, not really.
By the way, berets are out.
[School Bell Rings]
Sorry for just coming over like this.
I wanted to do this in person.
Plus I heard you have expensive beer.
I'm glad you did, and I do.
[Chuckles]
I was out of line before. You have every right to teach however you want.
And the fact is the kids clearly love you.
[Whimpering] I'm a terrible teacher.
[Sniffles] Don't argue with me. I know I am.
[Crying]
Today... [Whimpers]
Mercedes got in trouble for shoving tots up Sue Sylvester's tailpipe.
And we were sitting in Sue's office, and Mercedes was looking at me like...
And I just was totally lost.
- What did Sue do to her? - Whatever. I don't know.
She, like, suspended her or whatever.
Oh, see?
God! I do that every time.
As soon as things get serious, I retreat.
God. I... I didn't used to be like this, you know?
I... I was more like you.
[Holly Narrating] Spalding High School, 10 years ago.
Good morning, class. Whoo.
I was subbing for a math teacher.
The syllabus says that you're on algorithms.
So let's start with some easy ones.
Let's start with you kissin' my ass.
[Holly] Her name was Cameo.
She was like an attractive Biggie Smalls.
Okay, Miss... Cameo.
Miss Cameo, do you find that algorithms are hard for you to understand?
Do you find my fist hard to understand?
I have some really great tricks that make them very easy to learn.
Tricks? What are you... some type of magician substitute?
I'm a Christian, and that devil magic stuff offends me!
- Cameo! - [Blow Lands]
When I woke up in an empty classroom,
they'd stolen my Air Jordans.
From that moment, I realized I gotta keep things movin'.
I gotta keep it mellow and fun.
Keep from gettin' your butt kicked.
And I do in all ways. [Sniffles]
I never sign more than a month-to-month lease.
I only eat off paper plates.
I live on one-night stands.
Last year, a guy asked me to marry him. I moved.
Sounds... lonely.
Yeah.
Well, it works for me.
But it doesn't work for those kids. I'm resigning.
[Door Opens, Closes]
Wow, Will. I mean, wow.
What are you doing here? You should've called.
I brought you some more soup.
[Lisping Baby Voice] But I guess baby's feeling a lot better...
if he's healthy enough to have a beer with a friend.
No, no. I... [Chuckles]
Hi. I'm Holly Holliday.
Are you a porn star or a drag queen?
I'm Terri Schuester... Will's wife.
Wow. Your wife's kind of a bitch.
She's my ex-wife, and I have no idea what she's doing here.
Do I have to remind you what went on here?
Can we talk about this another time?
'Cause this is embarrassing in front of your new girlfriend?
Where's she been the past two days, huh?
Okay, I'm just gonna go home, I think. No.
I'm sorry, Terri.
Last night was a mistake. I knew it as soon as it happened.
I was lonely, and... you were there.
I... I am sorry.
No. I'm... Honey, I'm sorry. I just-
I'm really out of control right now.
I'm gonna come back. Okay?
- Terri. - Yeah?
Don't.
Don't come back.
This is your last chance, Will.
It's never gonna happen again. If I leave now, I'm never gonna come back.
You're gonna regret this, Will.
I swear to God, you're gonna regret this.
- [Door Opens, Closes] - You okay?
Tell me again about this life with no consequences.
It's kind of awesome.
[Laughs]
- [School Bell Rings] - [Mercedes] Psst!
Look what I snuck in.
My heart was racing.
Are you out of your mind?
After what you did to Sue's Le Car? You're gonna end up in prison.
So? You know what they have in prison... tots.
I'm not breaking it off with Blaine.
I really like him.
You are substituting food for love, Mercedes.
And more importantly, you're substituting me for a boyfriend.
Look at me. Two weeks ago,
I thought there was no way I'd ever find someone like Blaine.
And there he was.
You will find somebody.
But until then, you just gotta take care of yourself...
and treat yourself with a little respect.
You're right.
I gotta go. Where?
I'm gonna go talk to that Anthony kid.
First time I saw him, I thought he was kind of cute.
Maybe we have a shot.
Question for you!
You tell anyone else what happened... how you kissed me?
You kissed me, Karofsky.
And I understand how hard this is for you to deal with, so, no, I haven't told anyone.
Good. You keep it that way.
'Cause if you do,
I'm gonna kill you.
[School Bell Rings] I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.
No groveling necessary, William.
I'm returning you to your position.
One of the marks of a successful leader...
is in appointing trusted lieutenants.
And Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job.
You irritate me, William.
You make the underflaps of my breasts burn...
like when I used to rub them with poison sumac.
But your kids sure love you,
as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.
Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing...
and actually wants to hear an answer.
Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me...
besides Mr. Ryerson.
He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.
I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but...
I was wrong.
Mr. Schuester is.
Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet.
I stopped after "M" and "N."
I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.
You know, William, one thing I learned in my time as president...
- Principal. - You can't force public opinion.
I pardoned you.
Sometimes you gotta give the inmates what they want.
You throw 'em a comb and hope they stop beating each other long enough...
to whittle it into a shiv.
[Chuckles]
Well, I am relieved. I sort of thought I'd been replaced.
Shut your gash, Nancy.
And as a condition of my not pressing charges,
your Glee Club will return my Le Car to mint condition.
I suggest selling yourself on Craigslist...
under the heading of "Men Seeking Men with Butt Chins."
[Cheering, Chattering]
All right, all right. Thank you very much, guys.
Please. Please, sit down.
Thank you for that and... [Deep Breath]
And for all the kind words you said about me to Sue.
The feelings are mutual.
Now we gotta get cracking though. We lost a few days there.
It's all gonna be about focus and hard work for the next couple of days.
I guess Miss Holliday really is gone.
I know you guys liked her, and she was a lot of fun.
But she and I both agreed that this is what was best.
Don't get us wrong, Mr. Schue. We always want you as our teacher.
- She was just a nice break. - She did loosen us up.
She actually had some good ideas for a sub.
Yeah. I get it. [Chuckles]
And maybe we can incorporate those... after sectionals.
Now, when I'm sick, there is only one thing that makes me feel better.
Gin and juice.
No. Singin' in the Rain.
I must have watched it, like, 10 times over the past few days.
It's actually what inspired me to try this out...
as a contender for our first song at sectionals.
- When is this song from? - Well, the movie opened in 1952.
But-But it's really timeless.
[School Bell Rings] Mary Todd Lincoln in the house!
My husband was probably gay, and I'm bipolar,
which makes me yell things like,
"That teapot's spreadin' lies about me!"
Or, "That can't be my baby, because I don't love it!"
[Knocking]
Ms. Holliday. Can I talk to you for a sec?
Sure.
Guys, practice your bipolar rants, okay?
See? History can be fun.
- How you holdin' up? - Okay.
I'm back to my itinerant ways, I guess.
I do miss Glee Club though.
Well, as much as the kids like me, they sure do miss you.
Which is why next time I'm sick, I'm requesting you as the Glee sub.
Really?
Mr. Schuester, that's so nice of you.
It would be nice to feel like a part of something, you know?
I know.
I actually need your help with something else though.
See, I've been dying to do "Singin' in the Rain" with the kids,
show them how great it is.
But they're convinced it's too old-fashioned.
Would you mind helping me make it a little more... modern?
- I thought you'd never ask. - ♪♪ [Hip-hop Beat]
- [Holly] ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪ - [Artie] Chill.
- Holly. Good girl gone bad. - ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
- Take three.
- Action. Go! - ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ You have my heart ♪
♪ And we'll never be worlds apart ♪
♪ Maybe in magazines ♪
♪ But you'll still be my star ♪
♪ Baby, 'cause in the dark ♪
♪ You can't see shiny cars ♪
♪ That's when you'll need me there ♪
♪ With you, I'll always share ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm... ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm singin' in the rain ♪
♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪ ♪♪ [Chorus, Indistinct]
♪ What a glorious feelin' ♪
♪ I'm happy again ♪
♪ I'm laughing at clouds ♪
♪ So dark up above ♪
♪ I'm singin' ♪
♪ Singin' in the rain ♪
♪ You can stand under my umbrella ♪
♪ Ella, ella ♪
♪ Eh, eh, eh ♪
♪ Under my umbrella ♪
♪ Ella, ella ♪
♪ Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh ♪
♪ These fancy things ♪
♪ Will never come in between ♪
♪ You're part of my entity ♪
♪ Here for infinity ♪
♪ When the world has took its part ♪
♪ When the world has dealt its cards ♪
♪ If the hand is hard ♪
♪ Together, we'll mend your heart ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm singin' in the rain ♪
♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪
♪ What a glorious feelin' ♪
♪ I'm happy again ♪
♪ I'm laughing at clouds ♪
♪ So dark up above ♪
♪ I'm singin' ♪
♪ Singin' in the rain ♪
♪ You can stand under my umbrella ♪
♪ Ella, ella ♪
♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪
♪ I'm singin' ♪
♪ Singin' in the rain ♪
♪ Eh, eh, eh ♪
♪ It's rainin', rainin' ♪
♪ Ooh, baby, it's rainin', rainin' ♪
♪ Baby, come here to me ♪
♪ Come here to me ♪
- ♪ It's rainin', rainin' ♪ - ♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪
- ♪ Ooh, baby, It's rainin', rainin' ♪ - ♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪
- ♪ Baby, come here to me ♪ - ♪ The sun's in my heart ♪
♪ And I'm ready for love ♪
♪ My umbrella ♪
♪ Eh-eh, eh-eh-eh ♪
♪ My umbrella ♪ ♪ Eh-eh, eh-eh-eh ♪
♪ My umbrella ♪ ♪ Eh, eh, eh, eh-eh-eh ♪
♪ My umbrella ♪♪
♪♪ [Vocalizing]
♪♪ [Harmonic Vocalizing]
♪♪ [Ends]
English - US - PSDH